"BIG" TRANS UPDATE i guess

I kinda feel like I only use this blog to complain about people and my life, but I actually wanted it to be a trans blog to document my transition. Of course things about sexuality and romantic orientation are a subject, too, but I also only complained about things regarding those topics. Whoops.

Soooo, here's my trans update, because 2015 has been kind of a great year when it comes to my transition!

First I chose some pictures of me from december/november of each year (starting with the last one where I had long hair) and put them together. I actually really like the second one (I didn't even know I was trans then).

I'm still a little confused about my gender identity, but I'm sure that I want (and need) to physically transition because I am definitely not a girl.

Right now I'd say that I'm greygender masculine/male but I also identify as trans, non-binary, genderfluid and sometimes 'only' agender or male (but not as bigender).

I officially changed my name and my civil status (gender) and I have almost all the papers changed except for my drivers license, but that will be finished after the holidays.

On June 29th I started my hormone replacement therapy with testosterone (which means I'm exactly 6 months and one day on T today) and it is so fucking great!

My voice changed quite quickly and is really deep already. I got more hair - legs, stomach, a bit arms - unfortunately no real beard, but that always takes time. My period stopped about 2.5 months after the first shot but I got it one more time about a months after that (but only a bit) and since then I didn't get it anymore.

I kinda think that my face changed a bit too. People always told me that it changed but I didn't see it and now I do see it, too. I also got told that my face got skinnier but I don't know.

Other effects of testosterone are that I'm always warm - well, almost, but definitely more than before - I am more hungry, I guess, not much, but a bit, and acne. It's not really acne, but I get more spots and those things.

I also pass really good now. As a little boy, but as male ...

I took a photo of my face (almost) every day and I made a video out of it. As well as a voice comparison:

Pictures: https://youtu.be/iVIAaB8eoug

Voice comparison: https://youtu.be/t3jIB3AIFYQ

I also finished my application for top surgery - or better for the health insurance to pay for it - and I really hope I can get the surgery in March.

I've been too some trans "events" too this year. In May I was on a trip with a friend that lives near me. We went to Passau because there's always a get-together for trans people over the weekend with Whitsun.

And I've been to two workshop weekends in Hamburg. One was organised by the queer unit of the university and one by a nationwide organisation. At the first one there were many workshops and at the second one was only one big workshop. It was a spoken word workshop. (I have the footages of my spoken texts and I'll maybe post them when I'm back in Lübeck because my internet is better there...)

And that was basically my trans review of 2015 and it was really cool. ☺

(The year itself wasn't that good. My mental health is shit, but that's a different story.)

i kinda need to vent rn sorry.

Last Friday I was at the youth group and we also had a trans group "meeting". Right before that I talked to a friend from the university in Hamburg about the idea of having an asexual group or something like that. The queer unit had that idea because at some events there were some girls that had met via asexuality groups.

The friend also asked me if there could be some connection between trans and asexuality. But not in an offending way. He was just curious of our opinions because of course most trans people feel uncomfortable in their body and maybe don't want to have sexual contacts with people because of that. But asexuality also isn't a choice.

Anyway, that wasn't what I actually want to vent about. After that I addressed that topic in the trans group (a trans friend of mine is also ace) and the woman who kind of leads the group has no idea of asexuality. So I talked about the spectrum. There was also a person who knew very much about that topic, too. But the woman didn't understand that there is also "only" asexuality. She always said that everyone must have some sexual attraction even if it's rarely (that would be greysexual). But that is not right. I am asexual. "Only" asexual. I feel no (!) sexual attraction to people. I never have and I probably never will.

I tried every possible explanation to make her realise but she didn't and that made me kind of angry. I kinda told her (and everyone there) that I'm asexual and she still "vented" about everyone having sexual attraction.

That was probably the first time I really felt discriminated and misunderstood. Discriminated is maybe a bit too hard but I don't know how to describe it in an other way. Until then there were always people who didn't understand the trans topic rightly but they never really misunderstood me. I mean, I never really told anyone that I'm ace because there are probably people who would misunderstand me, but I was at an LGBTQ+ youth group. "+". Like LGBTQIAP... All those identities and orientations.

That is actually a place where I should feel safe. And understood. But that really made me feel like shit and that wasn't funny.

And again people kept telling me how young I look and I hate that.

the thing about wanting to label yourself.

I already talked about being aro/ace and also that I'm not sure if I'm 'only' aro or some other form on the spectrum. And I still don't know and that makes me really frustrated right now.

I kinda thought I was frayromantic - which means that you loose interest in a romantic relationship as soon as you get emotionally close to that person - but I also don't really know if I have ever felt romantic attraction to someone. I mean, I've  had a girlfriend and a boyfriend and I liked that boy in 9th grade, but I've never really felt the way people describe romantic attraction or 'being in love'.

And then there's this guy right now who works at the local gay bar and kinda has a crush on me, I guess. But even if he doesn't some time someone probably will have a crush on me again and I don't really know how to handle that.

The problem isn't that I can't say that I don't like them back or just avoid them. The problem is when (that) I like that person, too. That will definitely not be in a sexual way, but I don't know if it'll be a romantic way, because I just don't know.

I would probably say that I'm either quoiromantic or even nebularomantic.

Quoiromantic means that you can't distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction and nebularomantic is actually the same but due to the status of being neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent means having a development and/or mental disorder. I definitely have mental disorders. I just don't know if they affect my attraction. And I can't compare what I feel now to what I felt when I was in 9th grade. I mean, that was almost five years ago. I wasn't mentally ill back then, but I also wasn't old enough to really think about my attraction and the feeling concerning that.

So, from now on I will say that I'm quoiromantic.

181 - 200

181. Who is the quietest person you know?

Laria.

182. Do you want to die?

Often yes.

183. Would you chug beer?

I already did. Whoops.

184. Would you date someone you met online?

Disregarding the fact that I'm aro/ace, yes.

185. Long or short hair?

I don't care.

186. Do you drink enough water?

Sometimes.

187. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset.

188. Last phone call?

Yesterday, with my mum.

189. Have you ever failed a grade? Why?

Nope.

190. Have you ever been in love?

Not really, no.

191. Last person to make you cry?

Myself.

192. Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?

What's that ?

193. Do you pray?

Nope.

194. Hot or beautiful?

Beautiful.

195. Would you cry if MySpace stopped working?

What ??? No ???

196. Do you think Snoop Dog sucks?

Yes.

197. Do you believe in free will?

Yeah.

198. Have you ever yelled at a telemarketer?

Nope.

199. Have you ever been drunk?

Yes.

200. Have you ever licked a battery? (and if you haven't WHY NOT, it's fun!)

No, and I don't want to ...

161 - 180

161. Last time you used the bathroom?

About an hour ago.

162. Meat or veggies?

Veggies.

163. Do you believe the Bible?

Nope.

164. What is your favourite number?

9.

165. Planes or boats?

Planes.

166. Do you like cats?

Yes.

167. Would you drop out of school or quit your job?

Nope. Only if I was ill.

168. What does the world need more of?

Freedom, happiness, ...

169. Have you ever cried in public?

Yes.

170. Have you ever been in an accident?

Not really.

171. Tan or pale?

Pale.

172. What is your biggest weakness?

I don't know. 

173. Who is your newest friend?

Damien or Elijah.

174. What's your favourite album/CD?

Only one ???

175. Pancakes or waffles?

Both.

176. Pink or blue?

Blue.

177. What's the longest car ride/road trip you've been on?

About 8 hours. To Amsterdam.

178. Have you gone on a date?

Yes.

179. Do you like tongue twisters?

Yes.

180. Do you believe in the external world?

Yeah, kind of, I guess.

141 - 160

141. Have you ever been on a cruise?

Nope.

142. Who is the stupidest person you know?

Only one ???

143. If you could go to one place right now, it would be:

London. Or mephisto. Can't decide ! :o

144. Have you ever snuck anyone into your house?

Nope.

145. What store would you choose to max out a credit card? Why?

Pull & Bear or some merch shop probably. Because clothes !

146. Have you ever been dumped?

Nope.

147. Would you lie to your best friend?

Only when I don't want to tell her about a present for her or things like that. Otherwise no.

148. Is there happiness in slavery?

Nope.

149. Sprite or 7Up?

deit.

150. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?

YES !

151. Last hug?

Real hug? I don't know. Probably at the Blitz Kids farewell shows ... :(

152. Where did you go to school?

Uelzen.

153. Do you like holidays?

Yeah, when they are not toooo long. I get bored after about one or two weeks mostly.

154. One rumour that's been spread about you:

I don't know actually.

155. Have you ever written a poem?

A poem not really, I guess.

156. What is your favourite sport to watch?

Winter sports. Probably ski-jumping skibobbing.

157. Where do you live?

Lübeck.

158. Grandma or grandpa?

DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!

159. Do you like seafood?

Yes.

160. Are all the pigs lined up?

What ???

121 - 140

121. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes.

122. Do you have a soul?

I don't know ?

123. Do you believe in yourself?

Mostly not.

124. What's your favourite car?

??????

125. Do you get along with your parents?

Yes.

126. Have you ever been on a boat?

Yes.

127. Do you wear cologne?

Nope.

128. You or your love?

Me, bc I don't have a love.

129. Do you know any foreign languages?

English (I'm actually German), Spanish, Latin and I'm about to learn Portuguese.

130. Are you good at dancing?

Actually yes, but I don't like it.

131. Do you play an instrument?

Guitar.

132. How many times a day do you go on myspace?

From when is this quetionaire ??? No one is on myspace anymore ???

133. Would you try to take over the world?

No ?

134. Favourite type of shoe?

Vans and DocMartens.

135. Are you ghetto?

Nope.

136. Lonely or lovesick?

Lonely.

137. Favourite website?

Twitter.

138. Rebel or goodie-two-shoes?

Mixture.

139. Would you give money to a hobo?

Yes.

140. Favourite day of the week?

Friday and Saturday.

101 - 120

101. For a guy: short or long hair?

I don't care.

102. Would you eat sushi?

I love sushi!!

103. Do you own a camera phone?

Yes? Who doesn't these days?

104. What's the best concert you've seen?

Probably All Time Low or The Homeless Gospel Choir / frnkiero andthe cellabration

106. Rock or rap?

Rock!

107. Explain what you think about hippies:

????????????

108. Watching or playing sports?

Playing.

109. Have you ever kissed someone?

Yes.

110. Do you like your neighbours? Why or why not?

Yes, they are cool.

111. Do you like the band The Arcade Fire?

I don't know much by them.

112. Shower or bath?

Shower.

113. Have you ever failed drivers' ed? Why?

Yep, the practical one.

114. What do you wear to bed?

Shirt and boxers.

115. Who do you have a crush on now?

I never have crushes. I'm aro. But rn I have a squish on a guy from uni.

116. What is your least favourite emoticon?

I don't know. I don't have that much emotions.

117. Abortion or adoption?

Adoption. (I can't even have own kids. :D)

118. Favourite athlete?

????????

119. How many ex boyfriends/girlfriends do you have?

Two.

120. Have you ever missed a meal because you were busy on myspace?

Myspace ??? Who uses this ???

81 - 100

81. Favourite country?

UK.

82. What is the perfect day for you?

Sleeping as long as I want/need. No uni work. Concert.

83. Favourite city?

Amsterdam.

84. What's the most common name you know?

Finn, I guess.

85. Do you like poetry?

Not really.

86. Do you smile a lot?

Yeah, but it's mostly fake.

87. Last time you spent 100€, and what for?

New printer about two weeks ago, bc the old one was broken...

88. Six pack or sweet?

I don't understand this question ? I'd take the six pack beer ...

89. Have you ever walked more than a mile?

I guess so.

90. Have you ever been on a motorcycle?

Nope. And I don't want to.

91. Do you still use film for cameras?

Nope.

92. Do you wear perfume?

Nope.

93. Would you kill someone?

Nooo ??

94. Soup or salad?

Salad.

95. Do you consider yourself religious?

Nope.

96. Have you ever been toilet papering? Why?

Nope.

97. Have you ever been expelled from school?

Nope.

98. What would be the worst way to die?

By accident.

99. Who is the most fun person you know?

Aaron.

100. Yoga or pilates?

Nope.

61 - 80

61. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Well, I haven't gone swimming in more than two years, bc body, so nope!

62. How much do you weigh?

I actually haven't weighed myself in over a year, whoops. But probably around 50kg.

63. Do you have a boyfriend?

Nope.

64. Do you have a girlfriend?

Nope.

65. Explain what you think about abortion:

What should I think? Every person that carries a baby can decide on their own if they want to keep the baby or not.

66. Who have you met online?

Jackie !!! ♥

67. Have you ever gone to a private school?

Nope.

68. Have you ever gone rock climbing?

Nope.

69. Group or single dates?

Nope.

70. When do you go to bed?

Some time between 10pm and 1am I'd say.

71. Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?

I actually don't know...

72. Have you ever been on a road trip?

Nope.

73. Disney or Warner Brothers?

What?? Why should I choose?

74. Who do you trust?

My mum, my therapist, most of my friends.

75. Where is your favourite place to live?

In a nice and small apartment. On my own.

76. Have you ever prank called someone?

*cough* NOOOOOOO *cough

77. Last kiss?

On my birthday (worst day ever).

78. Do you like yourself?

Nope.

79. Do you brush and floss?

Brush yes, floss sometimes.

80. Do you believe in aliens?

Yes.

41 - 60

41. Have you ever sworn?

Uhm ... NOOO, NEVER ... !!!1!1!

42. Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?

I don't think so.

43. What is your hair colour?

Dark blonde, with some blue/green in it.

44. What is your favourite type of ice cream?

Mango, yoghurt, straciatella, ...

45. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea?

Neither.

46. Gym or music?

Music, definitely.

47. Do you like the band Radiohead?

Don't know any songs by them.

48. What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces?

Tips ?

49. Are your parents still together?

Nope.

50. When is the last time you went to a gym?

That's a good question ...

51. Have you ever driven a Ferrari?

Nope.

52. Favourite type of sock?

What ? Maybe those with funny things on them ?

53. Are you rude?

Sometimes, I guess.

54. Have you ever cut off a limb?

What ? No ?

55. How easily do you trust people? Why?

That actually depends on so many things. Like how I feel when I get to know them, or how long I've been without someone betraying me.

56. Who of your friends can tell anything to you?

All of them.

57. Day or night?

Night.

58. Are you registered to vote? (And have you yet?)

Yes, and yes.

59. Movie at home or in a theatre?

At home, but I don't really like watching movies.

60. Rich and loveless, or loved and poor?

I'm already loveless, so ...

21 - 40

21. Have you ever told someone that you loved them?

Aside of family, nope. (And I also never loved anyone.)

22. Are you a vegetarian?

I'm actually pescetarian.

23. What are you wearing right now?

My frnkiero andthe cellabration shirt.

24. Ocean or pool?

Ocean.

25. What do you do most when you're bored?

Listening to music.

26. Ever run away from home?

Nope. Never had a reason to.

27. Would you be president if you could?

Oh god, no!

28. Have you ever sat on a rooftop?

I guess no ?

29. Have you ever been to a concert?

*cough* Well, ... *cough*

30. Do you get enough exercise?

Probably not. :D

31. Do you believe in hell?

Nope.

32. Do you shower daily?

Almost.

33. Do you own a car?

Nope.

34. If you could change one thing about yourself, it would be:

Only one thing ??? My sex probably ...

35. What is the last thing you said to someone?

Goodbye (to my mum, when I ended the phone call).

36. Orange juice or apple juice?

Orange, but I actually don't really like juice in general.

37. One best friend or many good friends?

Both ...

38. Would you give me $5?

What ? Why ? Who even are you ?

39. Do you ever cook?

Sometimes. But nothing special.

40. Have you ever been in a movie?

Like "acting"? Then nope.

1 - 20

// 200 question bc i can //
_________________________________________________________________

1. Have you ever been to a beach?
Yes, many times.
2. Love or like?
Like.
3. Do you personally know any bums?
Yeah, probably.
4. What would you NEVER change about the past?
Too many things, I guess.
5. Have you ever been racist?
I hope not ...
6. Who do you want to meet (again)?
Jackie, Joshi, Frank, Derek, all the other cool concert people!
7. What sport do you play?
Soccer (kind of).
8. Have you been on the radio?
Actually yes, on this CSD station in Hamburg.
9. 'Digged' or 'dug'?
Dug.
10. Do you like celebrities?
Some. Not all.
11. Do you like the band The Shins?
I don't even know them ...
12. What does the world need less of?
Shitty people (transphobes, homophobes, racists, terrosrists, ...).
13. Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope.
14. Do you believe in miracles?
Nope.
15. Where were you born?
Celle.
16. Logic or art?
Logic.
17. What is your eye colour?
Blue-grey.
18. Have you ever fallen in love with a neighbour?
Nope.
19. Explain your politiv´cal beliefs:
I'll skip that question ...
20. What is your best physical feature?
Physical feature??? Hahahahahahaha

what it's like being aro/ace (for me)

I remember when I got into the whole LGBTQ+ stuff and found out about all those sexualities, I wrote into my diary that I hoped that I'm not asexual, but also that I probably wasn't.

(((hahahahahahahahaha)

About a year later I knew I was indeed asexual. And I had completely forgotten about writing something about that in my diary. But I found it some time later when I read through some old "stories" there and was like "whoooops".

I also had the assumption that I might be aromantic, but I didn't really know. So I searched for it on the internet and I think the best thing to find out whether you are this is reading experiences from others. And I did. And then I knew that I was aromantic as well.

Maybe I am demiromantic or something different from the aro spectrum. But it definitely is on the aro spectrum, so I can say that I'm aro.

For me being aro/ace actually means that I really don't care about romantic and sexual relationships. I always thought I was just like the others, but apperently allosexual people really think about fucking someone when they say they're hot or when they want to have a relationship with them. I can't imagine that.

I can imagine that you want to kiss someone and cuddle eventhough I don't like those things. And I can't say that about sex. I don't know if I like it, but I'm not temted to find out and I wouldn't care if I'll be a virgin for my whole life. I mean I can't get own kids anyway.

That I'm aro I really realised when I read a comic on someone's tumblr, where they talked about how the girlfriend always wrote things like "I miss you" but they were like " ... but I don't miss you ?! ". And that's exactly what I thought when my girlfriend and later my boyfriend wrote those things. I mean, I really liked them, but I just didn't need to see them all the time, thus I didn't miss them.

People always talk about how you always want to be around the other person when you start dating, but I never wanted that. I hate never being alone. And I really hate always being around the same person. (Except for my mother, I guess.)

Another thing to define asexuality is that you would rather do anything else. But also not in the way that you hate sex or are scared or whatever - watching TV just sounds so much better.

(To quote blink-182: "we started making out, and she took of my pants, but then I turned on the TV")

Maybe people think that aros are loveless and maybe we are to some point, but not in a negative way.

I also have a message to people who think they can change that someone is aro and/or ace (like my ex-boyfriend): YOU FUCKING CAN'T !!!

Asexuality is just like every other sexual orientation. You can't choose to be ace. You can't choose to be gay. You can't choose to be straight. And you can't choose to be bi, pan, whatever!

And the same goes for aromanticism.

I sometimes hate that I'm aro/ace and I really wish I had found out before my last relationship (well, the aro part), because then I wouldn't've engaged into it in the first place.

everything is too much but not enough.

Whenever I talk about the things I do people ask me if I don't have a life. I know they are joking, but I actually kinda think that I do this to not having to deal with my life.

I mean, I always feel like shit when I'm alone for too long or just don't have to do anything. I can't be bored without hating myself and feeling like shit.

So I try to distract myself with doing things even though it is stressing me out. When uni starts again I will have another thing that adds up to my 'list' of things I do.

I am doing so much (volunteer) work for lambda::nord (a youth LGBT+ organisation). I'm actually in the steering committee, helping with the school project and also the youth group leader.

Then I'm also in the students' union executive committee as well as the "party group", and well, uni by itself.

And then I want to visit my mum from time to time, and also, concerts.

It really seems that I don't have a life outside of this and I guess I don't really have.

I don't meet with friends (well, the guys in the youth group are kinda friends, but still) - at least not with people from uni. My best friend moved away for uni so I can't see her when I'm in my hometown, another good friend lives not thaaat far away, but still too far to just go there and another one lives on the other side of the fucking country.

So yeah, I'm kinda afraid that everything will be too much to bare with, but I'm also afraid of the weekends where I don't have much to do.

I don't hate being alone - I actually like it - I just hate the thoughts that creep into my head then.

"family".

Yesterday has been a really shit day.

Well, actually it wasn't that bad - at first. I came out to my aunt and uncle and they were totally cool with it. My aunt even asked me some questions - and not only the stupid ones. I told them to call me Mateo and they tried. Of course it doesn't work that good the first time, but they tried. And that's what matters.

But my father acted totally ignorant the whole time. When I said that I am trans he didn't even look into our direction. He just looked straight at the TV and said nothing. As if this conversation between me and my aunt didn't really happen.

And the whole evening he used the wrong pronouns. Even though I always corrected my aunt and uncle. (I don't correct my father, because I don't dare to.) And he fucking knows that I'm trans for almost a year now. Why the hell is so difficult to not even try?

And one time when he talked about me, he noticed that he was gonna say 'she', but instead of just saying 'he', he just paraphrased it with the verb he was gonna use in connection with the pronoun. Well, thanks, "dad". Thanks for your "support".

He also told me that I am dump and my uncle told me that I got fat. Yeah, thanks, I didn't notice. Do you think I like being fat?

I fucking know that I am fucking fat. I fucking have a fucking eating disorder. So telling me that I'm fat is not really a good idea, you know?

-

But people on Twitter are soooo nice to me rn. ☺

boobs and surgeries.

So many people keep asking me about surgeries - well, they at least don't ask if I had THE surgery.

I actually don't mind that much when I have to explain which surgeries a trans*guy can get - I like to inform people on that topic actually - but they always are like "but you won't get a surgery, do you???"

Yeah, I know, you as a cis-person don't know how I feel as a trans*-person, but do you think I want to have those fucking boobs my entire life? No! So of course I will at least get top surgery. That's a huge part of my transition. And also of my mental transition. I know boobs are a physical part of my body, but I hate thinking about having those things on my chest. Even when I am wearing a binder I can feel them - well, of course, they are getting pressed away, but they are still there. And I really want to run around without a shirt on. And those binders are fucking hot.

I also feel as if those people think that I am not like other trans*guys. Well, of course I am not. Everyone is different and there are trans*guys that don't want to get top surgery and maybe I could be one of them. But those questions are always like people trying to tell me what I want. Or what I shouldn't do. I don't know.

It feels like they really don't understand the struggle. I mean, I even hated my boobs before I realised I was trans*. They are soo fucking annoying. Like, you can't do sports or even run down the stair without them jumping up and down on your chest. That's not fucking comfortable. And my boobs are not even big.

(I hope I can get little cuts...)

everything's so fucked up right now.

I wish I could be happy that I can finally sing along to "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance without being a teenager myself, but I kinda can't.

My 20th birthday was last sunday and that was by far the worst day I've ever had. I really can't remember a worse day. Not even right before I started taking anti-depressants or when I got sick last summer so we couldn't go on holiday.

I really haven't cried that hard in a long time (if I've ever cried that hard before). I've never cut deeper before.

I've been getting mentally abused for a long time before that day. I just thought it would get better. And I really hadn't imagined something like that happening. On my birthday.

I've been getting mentally abused for far too long. It's enough now. I can't do this anymore. I really can't.

I just really fucking hate my life and myself, too. I wish I could just kill myself so it's all over - but I won't do it. At least not now.

a.poem.by.me

Just one more pill.

Just one more cut.

Just one more sip of the burning sensation in my throat.

Just one more smile.

One more breath.

But I can’t fucking do this. I’m a coward. I’m to fucking gutless to end my own life. It always only results in some red lines on my arm. Sometimes some tears. But mostly just numbness. Emptiness. Just nothing.

I’m always hoping I just wouldn’t wake up the next morning. Just die in my own sleep. Or get hit by a truck. But I don’t want anyone being responsible for my death. I want to be the only one that is responsible for my death. But I will never be the only one. Maybe it’s this fucked up society that makes my life a living hell. Maybe it’s those false friends. Or just everything at once.

I can’t do this. I can’t take anymore. I just want to die already. But I won’t.

Still no one knows how bad I am. But why should they know. They don’t even care. Nobody cares. I’m fucking worthless. A waste of space. I hate me. I hate everything about myself. I hate myself for still being here.

Please, someone. Release me from all of this.

but some good things must end ...

Like my favourite bands... :(

There are now three (!) of my favourite band that broke up (or kinda): My Chemical Romance, blink-182 (kinda, it's just not blink without Tom) and now Blitz Kids ...! :(((
Ok, it was always for the better and I can understand their decisions (well, there isn't a "statement" by BK, but still, they probably have their reasons).

Also, another band I will cry while listening to their music...
At least I saw Blitz Kids and blink-182 with Tom live (in contrary to MCR).

I am actually really fucking sad right now. Still I can't cry. I haven't really got it yet.

i miss you

This morning I found out that a really great person commited suicide three days ago. I had a very bad internet connection then. I didn't even really know him, I just wrote a sentence with him about twice.

But he was one of my favourite acconts (on Instagram) along with his best friend who I am so so sorry for right now. They lost their best friend and I'm here crying about someone I barely knew.

I think it is that bad for me because I always could identify with what he wrote. We were so much alike (he was also trans*) and I am afraid right now. I haven't thought about suicide in a long time. I don't think I will do something but I'm thinking too much right now. My mum just talked me out of my seemingly endless crying and I am afraid I might suddenly start again. I mustn't read those post of his friends on IG. I would just start crying again. But still I want to read them, because I miss him. Yes, I miss him, even thought I didn't personally know him.

I don't know why he did it, but fact is another trans* person committed suicide and I hate that. Dear governments all over the world: Please make it easier for us and easier for transphobes to get sued.

Dear person from IG (I won't write down his name),

I wish I had talked to you more often. You were such a great person and I am so sad right now. But you are in a better place now, I know that.

Maybe I will meet you there at some time.

I miss you so much. Goodbye. :(

meds & side effects (or why the hell am I sick again???)

I am taking three (four) different medicines every day: Cortisone, Azathioprine and Fluoxetine (and Ferro Sanol).

The first two ones suppress my immune system* whereas I get sick easily. Cortisone is kind of common and used for many different diseases. I had to take it a few years ago on a very high dose. The worst side effects were a bloated face and neck and a high blood sugar, but nothing too bad.

Azathioprine is almost like a little chemotherapy (high doses at least) and it's used for diseases like Crohn's disease or multiple sclerosis. I had/have almost no side effects when I took it about three years ago and now except for the low immune system. It feels like I am always having a cold. Not a bad one, just like a running nose. But I also get sick easily (or more easily than others) and I'm always ill when I'm visiting my family, which means that I want to drink a beer with my grandfather but alcohol and a sore throat are not the best combination (ignoring the fact that alcohol with all those meds isn't a good combination either).

And Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant. I don't think I need to say more about that.

I also have to take so many pills because I (well, my haematologist etc.) change the dose(s) very often. So I have like four different dosed packs of Cortisone and two of Azathioprine (which you mustn't split).

The worst part of this is the combination with testosteron. My haematologist gave the OK to get T but I'm still a bit concerned because my liver values are already elevated.

Well, I'll see. My psychiatrist is taking his time with a new indication anyway (the first one wasn't 'enough', so he has to write one more sentence where he explicitly recommends the HRT...).

* I have an autoimmune blood disease (ITP (idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura)), which means my immune systems works against itself.

Concert Review: FIATC, THGC, Axis Of

I really love small venues. It's much more intensive. It's much more personal.

And you're sharing the room with so many great people - the guys in the bands and the ones in the crowd - just like you. And they are all there that night because of the same reasons as you are. To see some of your idols and to get to known more people that could become idols, too.

At least this is what happened to me last night in Hamburg. I went to the frnkiero andthe cellabration show in St. Pauli yesterday. Alone. Again. But just like a great girl I met there said: "When you're alone at a concert you get to know so many new people, whereas when you come with someone you only stay with them." And she was damn right. Every gig I went to on my own I met great people. The only bad thing about that is that most of them come from cities that are way too far away from your own (or even different countries). Luckily we have internet!

But back to my story about idols. I was looking forward to this gig for so long, because I just wanted to see fiatc play live in front of me, because Frank really is one of my idols. I can relate to his lyrics so much - and I'm sometimes kind of scared about this. I mean, Frank is such a nice guy and he smiles all the time, but then there are those dark and sad lyrics and when you listen to them you must think he really hates himself and this is really not okay.

But who was even more inspiring was Derek Zanetti - maybe better know as The Homeless Gospel Choir. He was the second support act and his performance was perfect in every way. I don't think I have ever laughed, cried or just felt those many emotions during one performance at a concert before. His songs and lyrics and those little speeches between songs made me so emotional - also because of feeling like every word he said was directly directed at me.

It may sound a little cliché-like but it really gave me hope standing there last night in this little pub in the middle of so many people, watching other people do what they love most - playing music and with that giving hope to people like me. People who need that.

Also, Derek's songs are protest songs. Protest songs about everything that is wrong with our world and society. They plead for a more open world - without prejudices, war, racism, homophobia, etc. Being the little queer trans* guy, those sentences really got to me and I have never been more glad to see the supporting acts at a show.

I also went to buy his record after the show and shook his hand. He asked me for my name and signed my vinyl. He also wrote "DON'T GIVE UP!" on it and I just love this guy so much and I hope he will come back to Hamburg some time.

The record ("I Used To Be So Young") is actually on repeat today and I kind of think that "Untitled" and "Armageddon" are my favourites.

But there's some thing that kind of concerned me: In "Untitled" there's the line "and I can stand up tall with pride to say that I haven't tried suicide in the last three years" but yesterday when he played this song he sang "eleven months" instead of "three years". And that really made me sad when I listened to the record today. I don't want him - or anyone else - to feel suicidal.

And last but not least the first support act: Axis Of! I hadn't heard of them before so I didn't know what to expect, but they were also fucking great. And when I bought their record I shook Ewen's hand and he told me to spread the world after I told him they were amazing!

So: EVERYONE LISTEN TO AXIS OF!!!!

Well, conclusion: Last night was one of the best nights I ever had. It felt so right being there and I really felt accepted, and that's thanks to Ewen, Ethan, Nail, Evan, Rob, Matt, Frank and most of all Derek! Thank you guys so much!

Oh, and of course thanks to the three awesome girls I met there, too! You're great!

Music Monday #18

I actually thought about not making one today, because I've already written about the All Time Low concert, but I am very nervous right now, because I have to go to the court in just over an hour...

I really like it when amazon makes these things like 3 CDs for 15€, so I bought 3 - okay 4 - CDs today. Those 3 would've been about 30€ together without the reduction.

So I bought:

• "Folie à Deux" by Fall Out Boy
• "Save Rock And Roll" by Fall Out Boy
• "Hold Me Down" by You Me At Six

I also bought "Take This To Your Grave" by Fall Out Boy and I am super happy about that, because on this album is the first song by FOB I have ever listened to: "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago".

Well, actually, it was "Chicago (Dance Remix)" and I really don't know if I like the album version or the remix more... I also still remember how it came to me getting this remix. A friend of mine and I were on the bus home from school (that had to be about 5-6 years ago) and she send me this song via bluetooth (we were very cool!!). I also remember listening to this song on repeat, but never listening to other songs by Fall Out Boy - let alone the original version. I did listen to the original version some years later - and I didn't like it that much... But now I think both version are perfect.

And "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago" will probably always be my favourite song by Fall Out Boy - and "Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner". ☺

All Time Low [Hamburg 2015-03-12]

Last thursday I was at my first All Time Low concert so far! (I will see them in June at Hurricane)

It was incredible. Perfect.

Real Friends and Neck Deep were supporting them and they were both great!

I saw Real Friends last year in May on their headline tour, so I was really looking forward to seeing them again. And they definitely didn't disappoint me. Well, the set was too short actually, but they were the first support, so it was okay.

Neck Deep were really good, too. They also played the only song I knew by them, so I could at least sing along to one song.

And then it was All Time Low's turn.

They started at about 9:30pm with "Lost In Stereo" (do they always start off with this song?). They played two hours and also some of my favourite songs including "The Reckless And The Brave", "Somewhere In Neverland", "Weightless", "Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)", "Time-Bomb" (where they got people onto the stage), "Therapy" and so many more!

(Except for my all-time-favourite "Break Your Little Heart", but Twin Atlantic also didn't play "Audience And Audio" so...)

They also played "Kids In The Dark" live for the first time ever! And during "Something's Gotta Give" many people help up signs that said "We Are Future Hearts" which some girl gave out in the queue in front of the venue (it's on my wall  now).

Before they played their last songs (the very last songs was of course "Dear Maria (Count Me In)") they covered some songs: "American Idiot" by Green Day, "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat Wold, "All The Small Things" by blink-182 (someone in the crowd asked them to play that!) and the beginning of "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor.

But still the best thing was probably the conversations between songs. Someone on Instagram said, they wanted to count the sexual references they made, but it were too much! And I can agree with that! They also got bras - which my girlfriend didn't understand. Well, I kinda dragged her to the concert!

After the last song the music in the venue started again and it was "Uptown Funk" so Alex, Jack, Zack and Rian kinda danced and sang along to that on stage! And I got it stuck in m head...

This was the best night I've had in a really long time and it made me so happy. Like actually happy. I haven't been this happy in far too - I kind of forgot how it felt. Which is also really bad because now, after the concert, it's away but I still now how it felt. And I want that again. But I probably won't be that happy for some time now and that makes me really sad. I just want to go back.

[Also, my SD card is kinda broken so I can't put photos or videos up.

I just hope someone can fix this without deleting all of my memories of the concert!

I also took about three pictures and one video with my mobile phone but the quality is really bad.]

Music Monday #17

I almost forgot to make this post because I thought it was already Tuesday, whoops.

This post will be about covers. Mainly because I mostly don't like cover versions of songs.
Espacially not of songs that I like. Sometimes covers of songs that I don't like are good - but not always.
But there's someone who's covers I will (probably) always like. His voice is just perfect and the first cover I listened to was even more than perfect.
I'm talking about Jono Yates, the guitarist of Blitz Kids (one of my favourite bands by the way).
And it was the cover of Sia's "Elastic Heart". I immediately fell in love with this song. With Jono's voice, the guitar and also the lyrics (well, credits to Sia or whoever wrote the songs for her).
I only listened to the original song about some days ago. It's not bad, but it's not the kind of music I listen to. I mean, I really like Sia's voice, but that's all.

Some days ago (two or three) Jono uploaded a new cover! "All On Black" by Alkaline Trio and again it was better than the original song!

Actually I just want everyone who reads this to listen to his covers!

• YouTube Channel
• "Elastic Heart" (Cover)
• "All On Black" (Cover)

Music Monday #16

Today was my last exam! Yay!
It was physics and I really don't know if it was good or bad. I just hope it was enough for 50%.

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But anyway, to celebrate or treat myself I bought some music today!

No. 1
twenty øne pilots - "Vessel" ♥

It's my first album by twenty øne pilots but I knew a few songs before. I love how the meaning is always like "stay alive", it's so motivating - still some of the music is very dark. But not a "scary" kind of dark. Kind of a good kind.







No. 2
Gerard Way - "Hesitant Alien"

Actually I wanted to buy this album sooner. I don't know why I didn't. It's perfect.











No. 3
Panic! At The Disco - "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out"

I just had to have this album. I love it! (:

Music Mittwoch ... (because I can)

Sorry for the delay, but I had an exam yesterday (and today) so that I had to study on Monday. But I live in Germany, so I can do it on Wednesday, too! :D

Actually I'm not really prepared this week and I just thought I could talk about the BRITs at 9pm (MEZ), but I don't really know anything about it, except for the fact that James Bay is the Critic's Choice Winner.

I like James Bay's song "Hold Back The River". (:

It's pretty cool that I can watch the show live via YouTube.

Oh, and the videos with Dan & Phil were great!
You should watch them!

Music Monday #15

MUSIC VIDEOS!

I LOVE music videos. Most of all the ones with a concept. The ones that are like really short films (short short films :D). And it's really cool when there are connected videos - like when it's the same album or so.
Like the videos for "Na Na Na" and "SING" by My Chemical Romance. Also they are both ones of my favourite videos.

The only problem is that I live in Germany... GEMA is sooo annoying. And not every band thinks about that and uploads it one Vevo or Vimeao or wherever.

Well, I just thought I'd let you know about my favourite ones:
• "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" - Panic! At The Disco
• "Planetary [Go!]" - My Chemical Romance
• "King For A Day" - Pierce The Veil feat. Kellin Quinn
• "Always" - blink-182
• "Wishing Well" - blink-182
• "The Wolfpack" - Angels & Airwaves
• "Time Bomb" - All Time Low
• "The Captain" - Biffy Clyro
• "Walking Contradiction" - Green Day
• "Here It Goes Again" - OK Go
• "Make A Beast Of Myself" - Twin Atlantic
• "Stumpf Ist Trumpf" - Dendemann
• "Geronimo" - Sheppard

And the best ones at the end:
• "My Song For You" - Scab
• "The Kids From Yesterday" - My Chemical Romance