QuARG / updates!

→ Queer, Awarness, Equal Rights and Gender Matters
That's a unit of the students' union executive committee at my uni, and I will be part of it!
And I also have some ideas! Like a day for the LGBTQ+-Community in the "students' bar" in the city and something about transphobia.
Maybe "sh*t people tell trans* people" and things like that. It will be great!

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Also, I will continue my "Music Monday" from next week one, because I really like the idea of it. (This time it will probably about the concerts I'll go to this year!)

I'm also going to make a note / reminder or something so that I don't forget about it...

GOOD LUCK!

I friend of mine will have his coming out at school today, and I am pretty sure it will be great!!!
You'll make it!!! (:

Sorry!!!

I've kinda been away for two weeks, I guess... Whoops! I'm very sorry. But I had my first one and a half weeks of university (... and I'm still not out... -.-). At least everybody knows me as the "not very feminine girl" (but still as a girl...).

But I really got asked if I was a boy or girl (okay, it was more like: "Do you often get asked if you're a boy or a girl?" and I just said "yes, that's even more confusing").
And on the last day of introductory week (on a party) some guy referred to me as "he" again! Yeah! (:

University is actually kinda cool. It feels good to be a uni-student. I really don't know why, but I feel a little different than before. Probably because I live on my own, too. But still ... it's great!

This morning I went to a new GP and he is really nice. Unfortunately I didn't have the guts to tell him I'm trans* (again), so it was actually only because of my blood disease (because of it I have to go there to get a blood sample taken from me once in a while - like every three weeks, because I'm taking cortisone right now).
Also, the assistant was really nice and I got the adress of a haematologist near my home. I think I chose the right GP.

And today is my last free wednesday, because I switched exercise classes from Monday to Wednesday from next week on.
And I have to make my grocery shopping and so much more now...

So bye!!

Introductory week

So, today was the third day of my introductory week. And it's sometimes real fun!
Like yesterday night: We made a "tour" through some bars in the city and I think I drank more than I have ever drunken in one night. But I wasn't drunk...
Today we will have a BBQ at uni.
The maths course is kinda boring. The others all think it's totally difficult, but for me it's mostly boring.

I also made some new friends here (kinda fast for me). They are really nice.
And yesterday on the "tour" a guy (I didn't know) kept calling me "he" although some of the others corrected him (-.-) and my passing is still terrible. :)

Every year the new students "get" a song, called the "Ersti-Song" and we got 'Big Bang - Fantastic Baby'. It's stuck in our heads the whole day...
[But it's actually not bad: listen here]

And now: BBQ!!!

New start!

Okay, so today I (finally) moved out. I now live in a little room, share a kitchen with a girl (I still haven't met...) and I have an own bathroom!
Tomorrow is also my last day off and I will spend it tidying my room and maybe going outside because I don't really know my surroundings.
And on Monday it is my first day of university. I'm really excited and also really scared at the same time. I'd really like to meet new people, but I don't know if they will accept me. I mean, I look like 12/13 and I'm trans* - and everybody will probably know that I'm biological a girl. Damn.
And I just hope I will "pull myself together" and introduce myself at least with "Jo". Also, if someone will ask me if I'm a boy or girl I want to say "both"!

I'm mostly scared because uni life is known as "party, party, party" and I am not at party person. Not at all. I hate them. Above all because of the shitty music there - only techno and DJ stuff or lame pop songs. That's definitely not my type of music. And also it's too loud.
And I hate dancing. And socialising in general. But I still want to meet new people and make friends. You see my problem? [Probably not - sorry.]
Whenever I'm at a party I always end up standing awkwardly somewhere in a corner and always answer with "fine" when someone asks if everything's alright.
But when I don't go to a party I wish I had gone even if I know I would've hated it.

Passing

As I said before kids in kindergarten think "short hair = boy" [just those stereotypes].
And today again: A girl (let's call her "L") asked me if I liked pink. I said "no" and she asked other things about "typical (totally) girly" things. After I negated everything she asked if I liked boy's things and because I really didn't know what to say I just said "yes". (*facepalm*)
At lunch (just after my mum left the room) L asked if I was a boy or a girl. I was like "??? - You know me for about one and a half years... You know I am (biological) a girl" and she said "No! You're a boy!" Note again: She actually knows I'm biological a girl.
Don't get me wrong: I really like when someone thinks I'm a guy (I need those passing-moments!), but that was really weird, because L knows me and is actually one of the smarter kids...

Anyway, another girl asked me if I could wear nail polish tomorrow (because I will be there again) and I was like "... I don't have nail polish ... Only black and clear one ...", so she said I should paint my nails black. (NO!)

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And another one:
While on our way home my mum met an old colleague (on the other side of the street) and she referred to me as my mum's son (!!!).
But then my mum ruined everything with saying "My daughter." -.-
Thanks mum...
That's not called 'support', is it?

I'm SO stupid!

Today I had the computer introductory course at university and I met two girls from my degree course and some from other courses.
And what did I do?
I just introduced myself with my birthname and acted totally girly.
I'm a fucking coward! And I really hate myself for that. I wanted a new start and now I just fucking butchered everything before it even started!

But I acted super openly today. That was very strange... Normally I try not to be too shy around new people (actually works...!) but today I almost couldn't get my mouth shut.

[And to the "acting girly": For me it was more like acting gay. :D]

Also, we had to show ID, and the guy looked at my ID, at me, at my ID, at me ... - and I was like "yeah, I know, it's a bit old".

Bike

Yesterday my dad and I attached a bike rack and mudguards to my bike, because I have a mountain bike and I couldn't really transport anything with it. But I need to do my shopping with it when I moved away.
And actually it doesn't look bad.

And on Friday I was in my new room. My mum cleaned the kitchen (it was not very clean before...) and her boyfriend built up my cupboard and my new chair.
And I kinda tidied my room...
AND: My Wi-Fi works!!! (Yes, that's really important! :D)

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Also, my mum still calls me "she", "her", "daughter" and all those things (also my birthname - but that's not that bad). I wish she would at least try to use neutral pronouns or just don't talk about me when I stand in front of her.
It really makes my feel dysphoric.

In search ...

Because I am going to move away (about 153km - air-line distance) next Saturday, I thought it would be a good idea to already search for some new physicians.
Above all, a GP of course.
And I found so many...

I now live in a little village with one GP two streets away from my home (about 550m) and the closest GP to my new home is almost three times the distance away.

Okay, I know that's not bad. I mean, the therapist I'd like to go to (he's specialised on sexual issues - like homo-, bi- and transsexuality) is 5km away - that takes me about 15min by bike.
And it is about as far away as my old school from my current home.

And I definitely have to search for an endocrinologist.
But - luckily - I am studying at a medical university. So, there's the teaching hospital. Kinda just around the corner!

LIFE UPDATE! Oct '14

It's the first of October!

(Sorry, it's German...)

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So, today I went to my GP and it was - nicely said - horrible. She really didn't understand me, suggested it might just be a "phase" or that it was because of my depression.
BECAUSE OF my depression??? Are you kidding me?
I am depressed because I am trans*.
Okay, now I would rather call it dysphoria - and by the way: since I realised I am trans* I am so much better!

And then she typed that into her computer, so that the receptionist read it while printing my referral (not to a gender specialist obviously -.-), and she looked at me like I was an alien.

That was the first day in ages on which I broke down completely. Thanks. I really fucking needed this. Not.
Luckily, I was also able to see my therapist - and she could calm me down (at least after some time).

I really don't know what to do now.

I didn't choose to be transgender, did I?

Also, I will never go there again. (I'm moving away anyway, so...)

Sexuality

So, if someone is trans* he/she doesn't have to be straight.
And not all trans* people were homosexual before realising.
Actually, that's plain (for me) but many people assume that.

If someone asks me about my sexuality, I say pansexual. I don't want to commit myself to something.
Also, I really like the "idea" of pansexuality.
[For those who don't know that word: Pansexuality means falling in love with the personality, not the gender.]

How great would it be if everybody was pansexual?
(The best utopia for me.)