my names and which to use (thanks)

So, the name on my ID is Jonah Mateo (legal since August 8th 2015), but different people call me different (nick)names and I just wanted to make a post about those names with some "explanations":

Appropriate names to call me:

• Joe

Most of my friends call me Joe, also some family members. I actually used "Jo" shortly after my realisation / coming out to myself as a short form of my birthname (you can't deduce my birthname from this) when I didn't know which name(s) to choose.

I really like it and I really felt like a Jo(e) so I looked for a name starting with Jo... I didn't want to have a very common one (like Jonathan - I really like this name, but I know some Jonathans) or old one (like Joseph) so I found Jonah and chose it.

Later I found out that it's gender neutral, but I had chosen a second (definitely male) name before anyway.

I also started using Joe because it looks more masculine (and better ^^).

• Mateo

I actually wanted my second name to be Samuel because I really like the short form (Sam of course), I just really didn't feel like this name would fit me. So I talked to my mum about this and she suggested the name Mateo because she likes it and also thought it would fit me. I didn't even think about it for long and changed it (already during the process, but that's no problem).

I wasn't using this name until the trans workshop weekend in September last year. There were so many non-binary people and because Jona(h) is neutral there were quite a few with that name. So because I wanted to feel special (*cough*) I used Mateo there and I really liked it. After the weekend I started to use the name on the Internet more. I didn't ask my mum / family to use it because they had already had the first change.

So yeah, I really like this name. ☺

• Joey

• Matt(ie) (English pronounciation)

• Jonny

• Jon

Inappropriate names to call me:

• my birthname

Well, that's kinda self-explanatory. I mean, I really like my birthname, but - as in a post some time ago - just don't use it when referring to me.

• Jonah

Only my mum and my close family calls me by my full name and I kinda dislike it. I don't really know why, but I kinda regret chosing it in the first place now. I should've just used Joe as my first name...

• Matty (German pronounciation)

That just sounds stupid.

my opinion on "preferred pronouns"

I have seen so many posts / videos where people are like "There is no such thing as preferred pronouns! If it's your pronoun, it's your pronoun!" and I kinda have to disagree with that.

Of course there are people that don't have a "preferred" pronoun because they only use one, but I - for example - have a preferred pronoun.

As you may know I identify as nesciogreygender masculine which means I'm basically agender with some male in it. I use the pronouns they/them as well as he/him, but my preferred ones are they/them (currently).

So if you're a transman or a cisman or just male/more male and you only use male pronouns you don't have preferred pronouns. You just have a pronoun. (Same with female, agender, ...)

But if your gender identity is more fluid or something like bigender, or greygender like me, you may use more than one pronoun and one of those is your preferred one.

You may also use more than one pronoun without having a preferred one though.

So, well, some people do have "preferred pronouns" in my opinion.

valentine's day questions ^^

So I saw people doing those Valentine's Day question on Instagram and I thought I - as an aro/ace - should do this, too. :D

Let's go!

1. Do you have a crush at the moment?

Nope, but squishes. ;)

2. Have you ever been deeply in love?

Nope.

3. Longest relationship you've ever been in?

4 months lol

4. Have you ever changed for someone?

Nope.

5. How is your relationship with your ex?

Good, I'd say.

6. Have you ever been cheated on?

Nope.

7. Have you ever cheated?

Nope.

8. Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

Nope.

9. What's the most important part of a relationship?

??? Maybe that they understand each other ???

10. Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

What is flings??? But neither.

11. When you are dating someone, do you believe in going on "breaks"?

Uhm, I don't do relationships (anymore) but I guess if it's because of someone's mental/physical health then yes.

12. How many people have you ever hooked up with?

0?

13. What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

The relationship itself tbh.

14. What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

Uhm, kids??? More like teenagers, I guess. I mean, it's legal with 14, so if they want then, they should?

15. Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

Nope.

16. Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

Nope haha.

17. Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

Not for me, but yes, why not?

18. What do you consider a deal breaker?

A what?? (I mean, what does this mean in a relationship? Maybe when they cheat?)

19. How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

I actually don't know, because I've probably always felt like this from the beginning. But like when you don't connect anymore (whatever that means)?

20. Are you currently in a relationship?

Nope (thank god (I'm not religious)).

21. Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Yes. I mean, it probably depends on the person.

22. Do you think people should date their friends?

If they have a crush on them why not??

23. How many relationships have you had?

2 (as in 2 too many).

the thing about my birthname

Today we had a family gathering and my aunt said my birthname at the end of it. She corrected herself, but I still feel really shitty after those moments - also because she knows I'm trans and my new name for over a year now.

So, the thing is not my birthname or someone saying it. The thing is someone saying my birthname when referring to me or speaking about me (after I told them I'm trans *).

I don't care about people knowing my birthname and I will probably tell every friend or genuinely interested person who asks. But never (NEVER (!)) call me by my birthname!!! It is not my name. Yes, it once was, but it isn't anymore.

I mean, you can say "[Birthname] was a great name" or whatever to me, but don't call me by my birthname!

I know from other trans people that they can't even stand hearing people say the name at all, because they find it utterly disgusting. I actually really, really love my birthname.

--

* Half of my grandparents still don't know, so they - of course - call me by my birthname.

bottom dysphoria and dysphoria in general.

First of all: I don't have bottom dysphoria even though it might seem like that from what I'm going to write now. I also don't feel that dysphoric in general. Of course I do sometimes, but I don't think that it's too often - mostly because I kinda want to be seen as male by society - eventhough I'm not (fully) male, but most people only now about the binary - and that works pretty well now, so gender dysphoria in society isn't really the thing anymore. Only body dysphoria because of those fucking boobs on my chest.

I still have to think about that time my ex-boyfriend told me I should accept my body as it is when I don't want to have surgery (bottom surgery in that case of course). In that moment I told him I only didn't like the outcome of that surgery and that there are many complications, but I actually knew that he wanted to do the do and I didn't and I knew he didn't (and probably still don't) understand asexuality - or especially my definition for me (he thought he could change that and stuff).

So, that actually wasn't what I want to talk about (I actually made a post about that situation), but about bottom dysphoria.

I actually often think about that topic and came to the conclusion that I want a penis. But like a real one. A functioning one. Not that weird thing that can't father children and has to be pumped. I also know that that sounds weird because I'm asexual and aromantic but I still want that.

I also don't want to have that big scar on my forearm after such a surgery. And of course I'm afraid of complications - especially with my blood disease.

But my actual problem is that I just want to be biologically male - like asigned male at birth. And that is like the only things that really is impossible and I hate it.

I mean, I just wish I had been born male and that I wasn't aro/ace - I even like my gender identity as non-binary. If I had been born male, I would've had other genes which would've made me taller and such things.

So, yeah, my problems isn't being trans, my problem is being born female. And I just wish I was someone else. I mean, I'd even rather be a cis girl (like happy with my body and how society saw me).

I just fucking hate my fucking life so fucking much.

statement about my identity i guess

Recently I've started questioning my gender again. Like again again. I'm just so sick and tired of always questioning my gender. Can't I just be fine with non-binary? Apprently not. I NEED to label myself and I hate it, because I'm not able to.

I've identified as greygender (masculine) for a while now and that still kinda fits, but not entirely. Greygender sounds too static for me. My gender is more fluid, but I'm not completely genderfluid. It's just fluid around that greygender point I identified with.

My whole identity feels like chaos.

Yesterday I was bored and didn't have motivation to do uni work so I read all those "weird" gender identities on nonbinary.org. And there really is a gender that's called "chaosgender". The definition is literally that one's gender "does lots of confusing things and doesn't makes sense to anyone" and I really like that.

I also think "jupitergender" kinda fits. The definition is "when your gender is so large and present, you're not quite sure what it is because it's too big to see clearly but it is definitely there". That kinda fits because I'm definitely not agender (I guess?).

Also, chaosgender and jupitergender are both xenogenders.

There are also neurogenders, which are basically gender identities that are based on someone's neurodiversity. And that basically means being autistic and/or mentally ill.

So, because I haven't really been mentally stable for over three years now and I always start to question my identity again when I feel really shitty, I think that my neurodiversity also affects my gender identity.

Looking through the list of neurogenders I found three definitions that apply very well to me:

• Nesciogender: "A gender one is not completely sure of due to one's neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be" (for me it would be nesciogreygender).

• Pendogender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek for something that fits even better. Gender perfectionism."

• Xumgender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt or identity issues, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible - to find "the gender" or "the one truth" - though one will never be found due to one's neurotype, because words will never be able to describe it, and/or it's own properties paradox itself. This frequent anxiety and doubt even cause this gender to feel imperfect to the individual."

[I feel like this is even an enhancement to pendogender...]

So, right now I feel like chaos-, nescio- and xumgender kinda fit best ... BUT I DON'T KNOW ?!

[Definitions from nonbinary.org]

diagnoses

So, I'm interested in everything that has something to do with mental health / mental disorders and I'm constantly in search of what is wrong with me, I guess.

Until now I have only been diagnosed with two (three) mental disorders, which are

• deprssive disorder

• anxiety disorder (at least I think I've been diagnosed, I mean, I basically get medication for it)

• transsexualism (it's not a mental disorder but my psychiatrist had to write something for me to get my HRT and that was - of course - an official diagnosis (also know as F 64.0

Still there are some other things that I'm actually sure I have it, but I haven't been diagnosed. Probably because I don't talk about it.

[Also, this is not me diagnosing myself, this is just me thinking I maybe have those disorders, too.]

I think I suffer from

• Major deprssive disorder

Like, I'm pretty sure that it's not only a 'depressive disorder'.

• Bipolar II disorder

I don't know what is meant with episode or how long that really lasts, but I definitely sometimes have hypomania.

• Borderline personality disorder

I don't know if I really have this because in articles it says five criteria have to be noticable and I'm not sure about a few of them.

• Maladaptive daydreaming disorder

I definitely have this. I am so sure about it. But when my therapist asked me about it (she watched a video where I talked about it) I didn't tell her exactly what it's like for me...

• Anorexia nervosa

I chose to have this as the last point because I will write a bit more about this:

My whole 'mental health history' started with it. I never admitted that I had an 'actual' eating disorder but I always knew I had. I had always felt fat - or at least fatter than my friends and I hated it. I wanted to loose weight. And I did. But not in a good way. I ate less and I weighted myself every day. I didn't exercise more but I didn't have to. My weight was dropping nonetheless. I always felt cold and I really became aware of the bad side while going on a run with my dad where I had to stop halfway through it because I almost fainted.

I started getting depressed and anxious. I crying everyday right before going to school and I got anxiety attacks before exams. When I finally agreed going to therapy (my mum was worried and didn't know what to do) the health insurance declined the application for therapy because I was underweighted. I weighted 39 kg (86 lbs) with a height of 156 cm (5'1''). They said I had to go to hospital but I didn't want to and my mum was on my side. She didn't want me to do something I didn't want.

My mum was so sure that I wan't anorexic but I knew I was. Still I never told her. She suffered from anorexia nervosa for most of her life and I don't really know why she didn't believe I could've had the same illness. Yes, I ate. But I ate very, very less. I sometimes skipped a meal, but not often. She said I couldn't be anorexic because I always ate ...

I had to go to my physician regularly to let them weight me. My mum didn't get it like that either.

Whenever therapists asked me about it I lied and told them I wasn't anorexic. I didn't want to admit it. I was so skinny, but I still felt fat.

The good side of this was that I got my mum to eat regularly with me again. After over 20 years.

I don't really know what made me start to recover but I did. I still often think that I'm fat and I still actually want to loose weight, but it's not that bad right now.

Still I know this won't ever leave me.

things i hate about myself

• my height
• that i look like 12
• that i was born female (or that my sex is female) - as in no penis
• that i'm aromantic
• my blood disease
• all those mental illnesses
• my natural hair colour
• my scars
• my skin
• that i'm always procrastinating
• my body (especially boobs, curves, thighs)
• that i can't fall asleep at night
• that i worry too much
• that i push everyone away
• that i can't talk about my feelings even when i'm feeling really shitty
• that i can't cry
• that i actually kinda don't want to get better

• basically just myself in general lol

"BIG" TRANS UPDATE i guess

I kinda feel like I only use this blog to complain about people and my life, but I actually wanted it to be a trans blog to document my transition. Of course things about sexuality and romantic orientation are a subject, too, but I also only complained about things regarding those topics. Whoops.

Soooo, here's my trans update, because 2015 has been kind of a great year when it comes to my transition!

First I chose some pictures of me from december/november of each year (starting with the last one where I had long hair) and put them together. I actually really like the second one (I didn't even know I was trans then).

I'm still a little confused about my gender identity, but I'm sure that I want (and need) to physically transition because I am definitely not a girl.

Right now I'd say that I'm greygender masculine/male but I also identify as trans, non-binary, genderfluid and sometimes 'only' agender or male (but not as bigender).

I officially changed my name and my civil status (gender) and I have almost all the papers changed except for my drivers license, but that will be finished after the holidays.

On June 29th I started my hormone replacement therapy with testosterone (which means I'm exactly 6 months and one day on T today) and it is so fucking great!

My voice changed quite quickly and is really deep already. I got more hair - legs, stomach, a bit arms - unfortunately no real beard, but that always takes time. My period stopped about 2.5 months after the first shot but I got it one more time about a months after that (but only a bit) and since then I didn't get it anymore.

I kinda think that my face changed a bit too. People always told me that it changed but I didn't see it and now I do see it, too. I also got told that my face got skinnier but I don't know.

Other effects of testosterone are that I'm always warm - well, almost, but definitely more than before - I am more hungry, I guess, not much, but a bit, and acne. It's not really acne, but I get more spots and those things.

I also pass really good now. As a little boy, but as male ...

I took a photo of my face (almost) every day and I made a video out of it. As well as a voice comparison:

Pictures: https://youtu.be/iVIAaB8eoug

Voice comparison: https://youtu.be/t3jIB3AIFYQ

I also finished my application for top surgery - or better for the health insurance to pay for it - and I really hope I can get the surgery in March.

I've been too some trans "events" too this year. In May I was on a trip with a friend that lives near me. We went to Passau because there's always a get-together for trans people over the weekend with Whitsun.

And I've been to two workshop weekends in Hamburg. One was organised by the queer unit of the university and one by a nationwide organisation. At the first one there were many workshops and at the second one was only one big workshop. It was a spoken word workshop. (I have the footages of my spoken texts and I'll maybe post them when I'm back in Lübeck because my internet is better there...)

And that was basically my trans review of 2015 and it was really cool. ☺

(The year itself wasn't that good. My mental health is shit, but that's a different story.)

i kinda need to vent rn sorry.

Last Friday I was at the youth group and we also had a trans group "meeting". Right before that I talked to a friend from the university in Hamburg about the idea of having an asexual group or something like that. The queer unit had that idea because at some events there were some girls that had met via asexuality groups.

The friend also asked me if there could be some connection between trans and asexuality. But not in an offending way. He was just curious of our opinions because of course most trans people feel uncomfortable in their body and maybe don't want to have sexual contacts with people because of that. But asexuality also isn't a choice.

Anyway, that wasn't what I actually want to vent about. After that I addressed that topic in the trans group (a trans friend of mine is also ace) and the woman who kind of leads the group has no idea of asexuality. So I talked about the spectrum. There was also a person who knew very much about that topic, too. But the woman didn't understand that there is also "only" asexuality. She always said that everyone must have some sexual attraction even if it's rarely (that would be greysexual). But that is not right. I am asexual. "Only" asexual. I feel no (!) sexual attraction to people. I never have and I probably never will.

I tried every possible explanation to make her realise but she didn't and that made me kind of angry. I kinda told her (and everyone there) that I'm asexual and she still "vented" about everyone having sexual attraction.

That was probably the first time I really felt discriminated and misunderstood. Discriminated is maybe a bit too hard but I don't know how to describe it in an other way. Until then there were always people who didn't understand the trans topic rightly but they never really misunderstood me. I mean, I never really told anyone that I'm ace because there are probably people who would misunderstand me, but I was at an LGBTQ+ youth group. "+". Like LGBTQIAP... All those identities and orientations.

That is actually a place where I should feel safe. And understood. But that really made me feel like shit and that wasn't funny.

And again people kept telling me how young I look and I hate that.