I am so upset (again)!

Yesterday I heard about the suicide of the transgender girl Leelah Alcorn and I was just like "WHAT THE HELL???"
I mean, how can her parents do this to her? Are you fucking serious? And then bury her in a suit and write "Joshua" on her grave??? They must be ... I don't know, I just can't find a word for their behaviour.
Inhuman maybe. Yes! INHUMAN!
I was and still am SO MAD, I can't even describe my hate for her parents...
I also read her suicide note on tumblr and it brought me to tears...

How can parents do this to their child??? I will never understand...

2014 review: Life / trans*

Okay, I will try to do this by month but I'm pretty sure I don't remember that much anymore (I guess that's good actually...):

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JANUARY

• I started into the ney year with my best friend and her family which was great.
• I wrote my last Vorabi-exam (in maths).

FEBRUARY

• Uhmm... I wtote my last "normal" exams

MARCH

• I can't remember what happened there actually, sorry

APRIL

• anxiety
• studying (attempts)
• anxiety
• anti-depressants
• studying
• first Abitur-exam (physics)
• [also in this time it first occured to me that I might be transgender]

MAY

• Abitur-exams (englisch, maths, chemistry)
• Real Friends concert

JUNE

• oral exam (politics) + first breakdown since on anti-depressants (whoops)
• HURRICANE
• applying for a room in HL

JULY

• results + graduation
• applying for uni
• I got sick (I have a blood disease) so we couldn't go on our holiday trip :(
• tears
• more anti-depressants

AUGUST

• The Discovery: I am trans*gender. First I thought I was bi-gender, then genderfluid and then I finally realised I am more male (:
• my birthday
• I started my CO's: first my therapist, then my best friend, then my mum

SEPTEMBER

• LAZINESS (I had nothing to do)

OCTOBER

• moving out
• starting uni
• new friends
• and: my first Youth Group!!!

NOVEMBER

• students' union executive comittee + trip to Denmark
• Qwir every week
• CO to my father, friends, ...
• Twin Atlantic (!!!)

DECEMBER

• One Ok Rock + Mallory Knox + Blitz Kids
• CO to my aunt
• Christmas

[I can't decide if 2014 was more shitty or more great, I really can't...]

2014 review: Music!

First: I didn't miss Music Monday, I just thought it would be better to make this post about my musical 2014! So enjoy!

Favourite album / record
I have to go with two albums, because I really can't decide which is my record of the year:

• "Great Divide" by Twin Atlantic
• "There Is Only You" by The Xcerts

Playlist (Favourite songs)

I will just list my 5 favourite songs that were released this year (excluding songs from the albums above)

• "Kick Me" by Sleeping With Sirens
• "The Wolfpack" by Angels & Airwaves
• "Loose Ends" by Real Friends
• "Geronimo" by Sheppard
• "Ghost In The Mirror" by Mallory Knox

Concerts I've Been To

• Real Friends + Modern Baseball + You Blew It!
• Hurricane Festival
• Twin Atlantic + The Xcerts
• One Ok Rock + Tonight Alive + Mallory Knox
• Taking Back Sunday + Marmozets + Blitz Kids

Great band I've discovered this year

• Blitz Kids
• Real Friends
• Mallory Knox
• Handguns
• Citizen
• One Ok Rock
• Natives
• Marmozets
• We Invented Paris
• ...

Some songs that I hate that were released in 2014

• "Summer" by Calvin Harris
• "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor

I am SO upset ...

I really hate being trans*gender. Really!

I just hate that kinda every transguy I know, that is also not on testosterone yet, has a great passing and I'm always "the young lady" - from the first second on. -.-'

The therapist in my new home town seems to never read his mails, but when you call him, there's a messages that says "Send an e-mail" - yeah, thanks, I've tried that...

My mum always emphasises that she bought something in the MEN'S section. I know she only wantes to help me, but she would definitely help more if she took for granted that I know it's from the men's section.

My old therapist said I could talk to the psychiatrist there, but that would be in March. I. Want. That. Now! I hate waiting for this. I don't want to have those fucking problems. I just hate my life this way.
I always wonder why I can't just like my body the way it is - but I just can't like it. It's not me. It doesn't look like I feel.

Also, my father is still ignorant and doesn't answer my calls...

Music Monday #9

So because it's Christmas on Wednesday (or Thursday - I don't know when you celebrate) I will now talk about my favourite Christmas songs. :)
I'm not really into Christmas songs, so this Top 10 will be a struggle for me... :D
But here we go:

1. I Won't Be Home For Christmas - blink-182
2. Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass - All Time Low
3. Making Christmas - Rise Against
4. Shake Up Christmas - Train
5. I Had Heart - Real Friends
6. Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid
7. Sleigh Ride - Relient K
8. 12 Days Of Christmas - Taking Back Sunday
9. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Mel & Kim
10. O Come All Ye Faithful - Twisted Sister

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And last Wednesday I've been to the Taking Back Sunday Concert in Hamburg - well, actually I just wanted to see Blitz Kids, but Marmozets and TBS were great, too!

Also, I got an autograph and a photo with Nic Montgomery (on which I looked totally fucked up...). Yeah! (:

Music Monday #8

(Yay, I didn't miss it again!)

Last Friday I have been to the One Ok Rock concert in Hamburg. And it was amazing!
I haven't been a fan of One Ok Rock for a long time, but I still had to go to their concert!
The support were Mallory Knox and Tonight Alive. I knew about one or two song of both of them and thought they were good.
But Mallory Know were just great! They were perfect!
Tonight Alive were good too, but not as good as I had expected them to be...

I went with two girls from my city, because one of them asked on the site of the concert if anyone goes by train from my city. So we divided the price of the ticket.
But the best thing was, they didn't know I'm trans* and my passing was so great I was always a guy for them! It was great! *-*

And here my two favourite shots:

Music Monday #7

Damnit - I missed it again... -.-'

So, I have already bought three concert tickets for next year!

• All Time Low - 2015-03-12
• Pierce The Veil (+ SWS) - 2015-03-26
• Hurricane Festival 2015

I can't believe that I found people to go with to the Hurricane Festival! It's just great!

And so I will see All Time Low twice next year! :)

Also we will see:

• The Gaslight Anthem

• Alligatoah

• Every Time I Die

and so many more (that will be announced some time! :P).

Music Monday #6

I just realised that I haven't talked about my favourite bands yet... :o

So this will be the topic for today's Music Monday!

My all-time favourite bands (don't make me chose!!!) are blink-182 and Twin Atlantic.
blink now for over three years now and Twin for about 9 months I guess.

My first "real" favourite band was Green Day. They are definitely still one of my favourites, just not the favourite (if you know what I mean).
And I still know how I got into them: When (or before?) "21st Century Breakdown" was released they always played "Know Your Enemy" on the radio (yes, on the radio) and I just loved that song so much that I got the whole album and that was the start of my new (better) taste in music - before I listened to things like Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and just the mainstream shit...).
Shortly after that I discovered blink-182 on Guitar Hero ("All The Small Things" obviously), but it took some time to become my favourite band.
And I don't really know how I got into Twin Atlantic at first. I guess, it was because of Biffy Clyro (into whom I got through my dad who bought "Opposites").

Also: I have see all three of them live! (Green Day 30th May 2010, blink-182 30th June 2012, Twin Atlantic Hurricane Festival 2014 + 10th November 2014).

LIFE UPDATE! Dec '14

Okay, here I go. Last month of 2014 - and it has been an eventful and crazy year.

I am out now to most of my friends since last Friday and the reactions were great. (:
And I'm out to my GP - who reacted very good, too...! (:
Also I talked to someone at the youth group about the costs and if the health fund takes them. And yes, they do (almost always). That's just great!
Also, I found out that I don't even have to do therapy to get hormones and surgery. I can just go to the endocrinologist and such. Wuhuu!! [I will call one tomorrow!]

And tomorrow I will go to Hamburg to the WinterPride. It's a Christmas market for gays and lesbians (and of course everyone else who wants to come). I'm so exicted! Also because I will see someone special there! I couldn't see her last Friday because I was in Denmark on the "committee trip" from my university because I'm in the students' union executice committee.

And that was great, too (except for my passing...). I met so many nice people and I hope we can stay in contact somehow.
And we got some work done!

Today is the World AIDS Day and some people from the QuARG help the AIDS Help Lübeck at the university/hospital. And I had a really nice talk with HIV-positive woman about that topic.

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[Ohh... And there's this girl I kind of like... That's a weird feeling, because I don't have much experience with things like that.]

Music Monday #5

I'm active in a forum for trans*guys and one thread is called "Songs that shall be the soundtrack of your life".
It's about songs, you listen to and immediately like and could listen to all the time.
But it's about more: It's about songs that touch in an even more intense way - in a way that it (probably) does not to other people.


And now I will share my songs with you here on this blog, too:

• "Hold On" by Twin Atlantic
• "Wishing Well" by blink-182
• "Keep Swinging" by Blitz Kids &
• "Kick Me" by Sleeping With Sirens

and here are my favourite parts of the songs, which actually make them to "my soundtrack songs":

• "Yeah it's a risk worth taking to have a life worth living." - Hold On
• "I'm a little bit shy, a bit starnge and a little bit manic." - Wishing Well
• "When you're down, keep swinging - 'cause life is a mystery." - Keep Swinging
• "Keep looking down on me - I am more than you'll ever be." - Kick Me

Transgender Day of Remembrance

It's November 20th which means today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance!
It was founded in 1999 by Gwendolyn Ann Smith to memoralize transgender persons who have been killed as a result of transphobia or who are still suffering from it (violence, bullying, etc.).

I think it's a really important day for both the transgender community as well as the "other part" of society. I, for myself, haven't suffered (until now) from being trans*, but I know some people (some are friends of mine) who have. They get verbally abused by teachers, other students or just random people on the street.
That just not right!

I also read an article about a non-binary transgender person, who wants to be referred to as Profx (for example in letters) instead of the female or male version (in Germany). They got some much hate from most parts of society, mostly from rightist extremists, but also from academic people.
[If there are some interested people that speak German: here's the link!]

I can't understand why it is so unacceptable to be trans*.

Also I read about the occurrences in Italy lately. Some communities accepted same gender marriages (where the persons married in a different country - obviously), but now the government wants prohibit that again.
I was just like WHAT?!

Some people are so dumb. -.-'

Music Monday #4

This Monday I'd like to share my music-wishlist with you! Yeah! :)
(Just those albums that are on my amazon wishlist)

[In no particular order:]

• Bombs Away // Sheppard
• Vagrants & Vagabonds // Blitz Kids
• For Those Who Have Heart // A Day To Remember
• Common Courtesy // A Day To Remember
• The Fallout // Crown The Empire
• Chasing Ghost // The Amity Affliction
• Let The Ocean Take Me // The Amity Affliction
• The Wombats Proudly Present... A Guide to Love, Loss and Desperation // The Wombats
• Best Intentions // We Are The In Crowd
• Weird Kids // We Are The In Crowd
• Take This To Your Grave // Fall Out Boy
• Issues // Issues
• What You Don't See // The Story So Far
• Put Up Or Shut Up // All Time Low
• MTV Unplugged // All Time Low
• Mayday Parade // Mayday Parade
• The Wombats Proudly Present... This Modern Glitch // The Wombats
• Homesick // A Day To Remember
• The Unraveling // Rise Against
• Revolutions Per Minute // Rise Against

And that's just what is currently on my amazon wishlist...!

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Also, there will be an All Time Low concert in Hamburg next year in March - where I'll already have vacations!!! :)

Gender: costum

Some weeks ago I changed my gender on Facebook to "trans*" and my preferred pronouns to "male".

And today I got a text message from a friend: "What did you do to your gender???" with a screenshot where you could read "Jo changed HIS cover photo".

I just answered "Nothing yet" and she told me that there was a "his" in the sentence with a laughing smile and I was like "Yeah, I know".

She still hasn't answered after this...

But I'm kinda happy that someone noticed it!

Ohh, and thanks to Facebook for allowing me to choose a costum gender and my preferred pronouns!

(But I didn't make it visible for other, just the male pronouns.)

The Youth Group again!

Last friday I went to the youth group again and my mum was with me. She talked to one of the advisers and to the parents of a trans*girl. And now she is finally trying to call me with my new name and use male pronouns!
I also met a really nice trans*girl there and we are now writing on Facebook often. I can talk to her about our whole situation eventhough it's not really the same because she's MTF and I am FTM, but still: The struggle and the self-hate is the same.
Tomorrow I will see her again at the group! :)
And I will definitely ask her if she wants to be my transition-twin. :D

Also, a friend will come with me (not my best friend - but she wants to come with me sometime, too; after her exams) - actually two friends wanted to come, but the other one will go to her football training.
And before we go to the mhc (the café/bar where the youth group takes place) we will go into the city to buy me some "fancy" clothes, because I always go to parties in sweatshirts... :D
(And I still need a swiming shirt and and shorts - the trip is in two weeks. Fuck!!!)

Unfortnately I failed miserabely in trying to tell my grandparents that I'm trans*. I have to do it another time.

But: I finally told my father. I wrote a letter (again). But now he thinks I don't trust him enough because I haven't told him earlier. What the fuck? That's not about trusting! That's about my fucking anxiety and him being depressed and autistic. Besides he is one of the first persons that know about it?!
Last night he wrote an e-mail (0:14am), but I'm not going to call him after that! Also he adressed me with "Liebe ... " (German for "dear" in the female version...) - thanks!
But at least he's tolerant about the trans* thing. He just said he needed some time - which is understandable.

But still: Accusing me of not trusting him is not okay and I'm really disappointed.

Photos: TA & The Xcerts live

[2014-11-10, Molotow Hamburg]

The Xcerts:

Twin Atlantic:

And the best one (Barry looked directly into my camera while taking a photo!):

And my signed record (The Xcerts - There Is Only You):

Music Monday #3

[Yeah, I know it's Tuesday, but I wasn't at home yesterday, because of the event I'm gonna talk about now.]

So, yesterday I went to the Twin Atlantic concert in Hamburg (Molotow).
It's was so . fucking . great!!! They were perfect, both The Xcerts and Twin!!!
Also, I didn't know The Xcerts before, but there were so incredible that I bought there newest record after the concert (and I got it signed by the band!!!). Definitely worth listening to them, if you want to try new music!!! :)

And Twin Atlantic were amazing. The set list was amazing. Everything was just amazing!

And I met great people at the concert. Actually I was going alone, because no one (except for one friend, who hadn't got time) knows Twin (which is really sad...).

I also got a guitar pick and I bought a TA sweatshirt! (:

[I will also post some picture in my next post!]

Music Monday #2

Like I said last week today's topic is concerts!

First of all: I love concerts! It's just the best feeling to be aroung people that love the same music as you and to see one of your favourite bands / artists live or discover new music.

And although this year only has two months left, I will go to three concerts!
And two of those are all-time favourite bands of mine:

• Twin Atlantic + The Xcerts
In exactly one week (ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!1!) in Hamburg (Molotow). ♥

• One Ok Rock + Tonight Alive
On December 12th in Hamburg (Große Freiheit 36).

... and ...

• Taking Back Sunday + Marmozets + Blitz Kids !!!
On December 17th in (what a surprise...) Hamburg (Knust).

[The bold one are my all-time favourites. ;)]

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Also, I have just recently discovered some very good music, you should all listen to:

• Gnarwolves
• Destroy Rebuild Until Gods Shows
• Natives
• Radio Doria
• Citizen

I'M SO HAPPY!!!!

I went to a youth group in Hamburg today (okay, yesterday) and it was GREAT! They also made a Halloween Party. ;D
I finally met people that feel the same or a similar way as me. That's one of the best feelings in the world. And I can't stop grinning right now.
The best part was with a guy shortly before I had to leave:
He asked about my age and I - truthfully - said '19'. He wouldn't believe me until I showed him my ID, on which I look terrible. He just said, he also had long hair some time ago. Some minutes later he asked, if I was gay, too. I said "I'm trans*." He looked confused and a little shocked and I just said "yeah, I'm biological a girl". Then he was like "whaaaaat?????". I actually had to show him my train ticket which was adressed to Miss x. He really thought I was cis-guy...! :)))
Next week we can bring our parents (or other close people) because some people asked, if they could do something like that and my mum is going with me! Yeah! (:

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QuARG-update:
Yesterday (thursday) was the first meeting. We talked about ideas and other stuff and about the trip to Denmark with the committee, where I really want to be part of. The house has a pool and a sauna. And then I remembered I neither have swimming shorts nor a swim shirt... I have four weeks to find some!
And I actually found the guts to come out in front of the other three members that were there. The reactions were great and I'm so happy I did it.

So, next step: Coming out to my friends...

QuARG / updates!

→ Queer, Awarness, Equal Rights and Gender Matters
That's a unit of the students' union executive committee at my uni, and I will be part of it!
And I also have some ideas! Like a day for the LGBTQ+-Community in the "students' bar" in the city and something about transphobia.
Maybe "sh*t people tell trans* people" and things like that. It will be great!

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Also, I will continue my "Music Monday" from next week one, because I really like the idea of it. (This time it will probably about the concerts I'll go to this year!)

I'm also going to make a note / reminder or something so that I don't forget about it...

GOOD LUCK!

I friend of mine will have his coming out at school today, and I am pretty sure it will be great!!!
You'll make it!!! (:

Sorry!!!

I've kinda been away for two weeks, I guess... Whoops! I'm very sorry. But I had my first one and a half weeks of university (... and I'm still not out... -.-). At least everybody knows me as the "not very feminine girl" (but still as a girl...).

But I really got asked if I was a boy or girl (okay, it was more like: "Do you often get asked if you're a boy or a girl?" and I just said "yes, that's even more confusing").
And on the last day of introductory week (on a party) some guy referred to me as "he" again! Yeah! (:

University is actually kinda cool. It feels good to be a uni-student. I really don't know why, but I feel a little different than before. Probably because I live on my own, too. But still ... it's great!

This morning I went to a new GP and he is really nice. Unfortunately I didn't have the guts to tell him I'm trans* (again), so it was actually only because of my blood disease (because of it I have to go there to get a blood sample taken from me once in a while - like every three weeks, because I'm taking cortisone right now).
Also, the assistant was really nice and I got the adress of a haematologist near my home. I think I chose the right GP.

And today is my last free wednesday, because I switched exercise classes from Monday to Wednesday from next week on.
And I have to make my grocery shopping and so much more now...

So bye!!

Introductory week

So, today was the third day of my introductory week. And it's sometimes real fun!
Like yesterday night: We made a "tour" through some bars in the city and I think I drank more than I have ever drunken in one night. But I wasn't drunk...
Today we will have a BBQ at uni.
The maths course is kinda boring. The others all think it's totally difficult, but for me it's mostly boring.

I also made some new friends here (kinda fast for me). They are really nice.
And yesterday on the "tour" a guy (I didn't know) kept calling me "he" although some of the others corrected him (-.-) and my passing is still terrible. :)

Every year the new students "get" a song, called the "Ersti-Song" and we got 'Big Bang - Fantastic Baby'. It's stuck in our heads the whole day...
[But it's actually not bad: listen here]

And now: BBQ!!!

New start!

Okay, so today I (finally) moved out. I now live in a little room, share a kitchen with a girl (I still haven't met...) and I have an own bathroom!
Tomorrow is also my last day off and I will spend it tidying my room and maybe going outside because I don't really know my surroundings.
And on Monday it is my first day of university. I'm really excited and also really scared at the same time. I'd really like to meet new people, but I don't know if they will accept me. I mean, I look like 12/13 and I'm trans* - and everybody will probably know that I'm biological a girl. Damn.
And I just hope I will "pull myself together" and introduce myself at least with "Jo". Also, if someone will ask me if I'm a boy or girl I want to say "both"!

I'm mostly scared because uni life is known as "party, party, party" and I am not at party person. Not at all. I hate them. Above all because of the shitty music there - only techno and DJ stuff or lame pop songs. That's definitely not my type of music. And also it's too loud.
And I hate dancing. And socialising in general. But I still want to meet new people and make friends. You see my problem? [Probably not - sorry.]
Whenever I'm at a party I always end up standing awkwardly somewhere in a corner and always answer with "fine" when someone asks if everything's alright.
But when I don't go to a party I wish I had gone even if I know I would've hated it.

Passing

As I said before kids in kindergarten think "short hair = boy" [just those stereotypes].
And today again: A girl (let's call her "L") asked me if I liked pink. I said "no" and she asked other things about "typical (totally) girly" things. After I negated everything she asked if I liked boy's things and because I really didn't know what to say I just said "yes". (*facepalm*)
At lunch (just after my mum left the room) L asked if I was a boy or a girl. I was like "??? - You know me for about one and a half years... You know I am (biological) a girl" and she said "No! You're a boy!" Note again: She actually knows I'm biological a girl.
Don't get me wrong: I really like when someone thinks I'm a guy (I need those passing-moments!), but that was really weird, because L knows me and is actually one of the smarter kids...

Anyway, another girl asked me if I could wear nail polish tomorrow (because I will be there again) and I was like "... I don't have nail polish ... Only black and clear one ...", so she said I should paint my nails black. (NO!)

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And another one:
While on our way home my mum met an old colleague (on the other side of the street) and she referred to me as my mum's son (!!!).
But then my mum ruined everything with saying "My daughter." -.-
Thanks mum...
That's not called 'support', is it?

I'm SO stupid!

Today I had the computer introductory course at university and I met two girls from my degree course and some from other courses.
And what did I do?
I just introduced myself with my birthname and acted totally girly.
I'm a fucking coward! And I really hate myself for that. I wanted a new start and now I just fucking butchered everything before it even started!

But I acted super openly today. That was very strange... Normally I try not to be too shy around new people (actually works...!) but today I almost couldn't get my mouth shut.

[And to the "acting girly": For me it was more like acting gay. :D]

Also, we had to show ID, and the guy looked at my ID, at me, at my ID, at me ... - and I was like "yeah, I know, it's a bit old".

Bike

Yesterday my dad and I attached a bike rack and mudguards to my bike, because I have a mountain bike and I couldn't really transport anything with it. But I need to do my shopping with it when I moved away.
And actually it doesn't look bad.

And on Friday I was in my new room. My mum cleaned the kitchen (it was not very clean before...) and her boyfriend built up my cupboard and my new chair.
And I kinda tidied my room...
AND: My Wi-Fi works!!! (Yes, that's really important! :D)

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Also, my mum still calls me "she", "her", "daughter" and all those things (also my birthname - but that's not that bad). I wish she would at least try to use neutral pronouns or just don't talk about me when I stand in front of her.
It really makes my feel dysphoric.

In search ...

Because I am going to move away (about 153km - air-line distance) next Saturday, I thought it would be a good idea to already search for some new physicians.
Above all, a GP of course.
And I found so many...

I now live in a little village with one GP two streets away from my home (about 550m) and the closest GP to my new home is almost three times the distance away.

Okay, I know that's not bad. I mean, the therapist I'd like to go to (he's specialised on sexual issues - like homo-, bi- and transsexuality) is 5km away - that takes me about 15min by bike.
And it is about as far away as my old school from my current home.

And I definitely have to search for an endocrinologist.
But - luckily - I am studying at a medical university. So, there's the teaching hospital. Kinda just around the corner!

LIFE UPDATE! Oct '14

It's the first of October!

(Sorry, it's German...)

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So, today I went to my GP and it was - nicely said - horrible. She really didn't understand me, suggested it might just be a "phase" or that it was because of my depression.
BECAUSE OF my depression??? Are you kidding me?
I am depressed because I am trans*.
Okay, now I would rather call it dysphoria - and by the way: since I realised I am trans* I am so much better!

And then she typed that into her computer, so that the receptionist read it while printing my referral (not to a gender specialist obviously -.-), and she looked at me like I was an alien.

That was the first day in ages on which I broke down completely. Thanks. I really fucking needed this. Not.
Luckily, I was also able to see my therapist - and she could calm me down (at least after some time).

I really don't know what to do now.

I didn't choose to be transgender, did I?

Also, I will never go there again. (I'm moving away anyway, so...)

Sexuality

So, if someone is trans* he/she doesn't have to be straight.
And not all trans* people were homosexual before realising.
Actually, that's plain (for me) but many people assume that.

If someone asks me about my sexuality, I say pansexual. I don't want to commit myself to something.
Also, I really like the "idea" of pansexuality.
[For those who don't know that word: Pansexuality means falling in love with the personality, not the gender.]

How great would it be if everybody was pansexual?
(The best utopia for me.)

Names

First of all: I really like my birthname! (Thanks to to my parents for giving me a great name!)
But - of course - it's a female name.

Actually, it didn't take up long for me to find a "new" name. I actually don't really know how I came up with it, it just made *click* or so... :D
Anyway, until today I haven't told anyone about it. So, today my mum and I talked about changing my name - the whole proceeding, costs and everything. And she asked me if I had already chosen a name, so I told her.
And she really liked it! That made me really happy, because I was really scared she wouldn't like it. I also considered the (two) names I would've gotten if I had been biological male, but I don't like them. And I also don't want a second name.

But when I asked her and her boyfriend if they could call me by this name and use male pronouns, they were kind of shocked. I don't know what they expected...
They said it would be weird if they would call me "Jonah" with male pronouns at home and in public my birthname with female pronouns.
[I said they could just neither use the male nor the female name in public - no direct adressing.]

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UPDATE:
My mum said if she had known the name (I chose) at my birth and I had been male (obviously), she would've named me like it, too.
That made so happy right now. (:
Nevertheless, there's the fact, they refused to use male pronouns... -.-

Music Monday #1

So, today's topic is not trans* related, but I will do it every Monday from today on. It's about one of my favourite things in the world: music.

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For me one of the best and rarest things is when you love every single song on an album.
And I am proud to say that there are three records where I love every song.

• Twin Atlantic - "Great Divide"
- Most favourite songs:

• Globalisolation
• Hold On
• Rest In Pieces
• I Am An Animal

- Favourite lyric:

• "yeah, it's a risk worth taking, to have a life worth living" (Hold On)

• Blitz Kids - "The Good Youth"

- Most favourite songs:

• Perfect
• Title Fight
• Sometimes
• On My Own

- Favourite lyric:

• "I really need a chance to be someone, someone I've never known" (On My Own)

• All Time Low - "Nothing Personal"

- Most favourite songs:

• Break Your Little Heart
• Hello, Brooklyn
• Therapy
• Damned I fI Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)

- Favourite lyric:

• "I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere" (Weightless)

Have the covers!

Male? Female?

Probably not everybody will agree with me, but I guess when you first discover being trans* you're not like "hey, I'm actually male/female". It definitely is a progress.

My therapist asked me, what I would answer if someone asked me (in an uninsulting way) about my gender.
And I really didn't know what to say. I know I don't feel female. But I also don't feel fully male (yet?).
So I just said: "Probably 'both'.", and I think that is accurate regarding my current situation - genderfluid?

But after that she asked me, how I would introduce myself - and that was even more difficult to answer.
No one calls me "Jo" yet, because nobody knows I'm trans*, but I'd like to change that when moving away for university. Still, it will probably feel weird being called a "different" name - although it would really be a relief.
I ended up saying "My ... name (birthname) ... ?", so it was rather a question. I really don't know, what I'm going to do about that.
Why am I so shy and unsure?

And, by the way, nobody knows about my chosen name "Jonah" yet - just about the nickname - because I'm kinda afraid they won't like it.
And yes, I know that shouldn't matter, because it's my life and my name - but it still does.

Overthinking

That was just a short description of myself at the moment.

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Since the whole trans* thing came up, I'm constantly thinking about it.
I think about me. Or why it has to be me. Why can't my gender just fit into my given sex?
And that's almost only at day time.
At night I start to accept myself. I think about the way I want to go. Whom I'm going to tell and how. How I could pass better. I practise my voice, binding, hair - everything I think I need to pass better.
And when I go to bed, it just continues. I had so many (almost) sleepless nights, because I couldn't fall asleep with all those thoughts on my mind.
Of course I had doubts, I was unsure, I started to hate myself again - until I finally fell asleep...

... just to wake up to the same thoughts as every day. Is it my fault? Is it even anybody's fault.
I don't want to go outside, because I always think I don't pass enough.
And in the evening when I'm alone, the good thoughts return.

But still, all in all, I'm constantly thinking. Always.

And I think that's just what figuring out being trans* comes up with.
It doesn't make *click* and you know your male (or female) after living as female (or male).
It's more like "*click* I'm trans*, I'm in the wrong body", but that's all. You just know you're not (fully) the gender you were asigned with at birth.
And I also think, thinking is important. And it prevents you from acting too fast. Maybe you don't want to have T in the long run (FTM) and you were just in a rush because you finally figured out what's wrong with you. Not all FTM's want to go on T, or don't want (a) certain surgery, or just certain (a) surgery.

-

And the moral of my "story": Think. And don't rush.

Haircuts

Of course there are many (cis-)guys with long hair, but for me having short hair is letting me pass better as male. However, it shouldn't be too short - like the military cut (or whatever it's called), because women have a different hairline then men. So the totaly short cut could look more feminine than long hair. Although I have a rather "neutral" hairline I don't like my hair too short.
But today I was at the hairdresser's and my hair is now the shortest it has ever been (except for my birth obviously) and I really like the new cut.
Of course this cut doesn't let my face look less feminine, but still makes me feel more comfortable. I've always liked my hair better short, and I never had that long hair.

And I think I'm not the only trans* guy that finds a masculine haicut important. I don't want to say you have to have short hair to be more male, because you are as male as you feel, it's just that I like my hair as short as it is now.

I find it kinda interesting how little kids define gender by haircuts. My mum works as a kindergarten teacher and I have rather short hair for over a year now. And most of the kids thought (and still think) I was a guy - although I wore "girly" clothes.
Today was also the first day I was in kindergarten with my mum since I realised I was trans* and a kid again thought I was a boy and for the first I almost said: "Yes, I'm a guy." but unfortunately most of the other kids only know me as female as well as the other kindergarten teachers. But I still like being called a guy.

My Trans* Story

I guess it started in elementary school. I had more boys as friends - probably also because we were 5 girls to 11 boys in class and the girls were kind of annoying. And they only had interests like horses and just so many things I wasn't into.
I started to dress like a boy - actually I wore sports clothes, but still. Some times people really thought I was a boy and I liked that. My neighbour - who is also my best guy friend - always called me half-boy and I always pretended to be annoyed by that - but I wasn't.
However, when I went to the higher school I had more female friends (with similar interests) I thought it was just a phase. I didn't mind puberty - I was a girl and girls get boobs and their period, right?
About 2 1/2 years ago I started to hate my body. I got depressed and underweight (which I liked, because no period). I started self-harming and I never knew why I was that unhappy. I didn't know what made me sad and why I hated myself so much.
I had read about transsexuality before, but I never identified as trans* until this summer. It finally made *click* and everything seemed to make sense.

I first came out to my therapist. I wrote a letter, because I struggled (and still struggle) to openly talk about it. Next was my best female friend, then my mum (both letters again) and then my other therapist - that was the first time I said it directly, and that really cost me quite an effort.
All those reactions were positive. But I think my mum doesn't really understand the whole topic of being trans* and she asked me very weird questions - or at least not the questions I had expected.
But I bought a book about and for FTMs, which I gave to her to read.

I also would like to start a testosterone therapy, because my passing is terrible. I'm really short (1,56m/5'2'') and I have a really feminine face.

Introduction!

Hey!
My name is Jonah, but you can call me Joe.
I'm trans* (FTM), and that's basically what I want this blog to be about. And of course I want it to be about my other interests (- but I already have a band-blog).

I'm from Germany - Lower Saxony, but I'm going to move to Schleswig-Holstein in October, because the university I'm matriculated is there. My degree course is Medical Engineering Science (MES) and I'm really looking forward to it. First I wanted to study Medicine, but I got to the point where I thought (and still think) that it's too much resposibility. I always wanted to be a pathologist, because - well - the patients are already dead, so I can't be responsible for their death if I'd make a mistake. But I would still have to do the full Medicine degree course - including surgery etc.
[And I always wanted to be like Prof. Karl-Friedrich Boerne from "Tatort" :D.]
So this degree course now combines my interests and favourite subjects: maths, physics, medicine/medical engineering, computer science and I will be an engineer like my father when I have the degree.

Of course that are not my only interests (that would be nerdy...). I'm really into music. My favourite bands are blink-182, Twin Atlantic, All Time Low, Blitz Kids and so many more - basically pop punk, alternative rock, sometimes punk, but I kinda listen to all kinds of music - except for techno (DJ-stuff etc.).
I also play the guitar (acoustic and electric), but I'm not that good...
Reading! I love reading. I actually read almost every book that is well written - I like realistic stories more than fantasy. I like "The Lord Of The Rings" and "Harry Potter", but that's all. My favourite book is "Fast genial" by Benedict Wells.
I also like some TV shows and movies, but I don't watch TV often (Internet!). My favourites are Sherlock, Ein Fall für zwei, Tatort Münster, Suicide Room, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and some more I can't think of at the moment.
Some of my time I also spend on YouTube (I'm planning on doing a channel with a friend - so, not really trans-related). I watch "danisnotonfire", "uppercaseCHASE1", "TheRealAlexBertie", "kickthepj", "AmazingPhil", "charlieissocoollike" and some random videos.
I also made a channel with my neighbour, but it's kinda bad - although one videos has over 10k views and it's a really awkward video. That's so embarassing...

About me being trans* and what I want to post about:
I'm definitely FTM, but I don't identify completely as male (but more than female). I have just realised for myself that I'm trans* (about 1-2 months ago), so this blog will be a chaos of confusing thoughts about my identity. :D
I will talk about my transition (I'm pre-everything obviously), coming-out and about my life in general.
I'm currently out to my mum, my best friend and my therapist(s) and really have to change that!

So, this was a really long introduction, but anyway: Have fun on my blog! ;)