Names

First of all: I really like my birthname! (Thanks to to my parents for giving me a great name!)
But - of course - it's a female name.

Actually, it didn't take up long for me to find a "new" name. I actually don't really know how I came up with it, it just made *click* or so... :D
Anyway, until today I haven't told anyone about it. So, today my mum and I talked about changing my name - the whole proceeding, costs and everything. And she asked me if I had already chosen a name, so I told her.
And she really liked it! That made me really happy, because I was really scared she wouldn't like it. I also considered the (two) names I would've gotten if I had been biological male, but I don't like them. And I also don't want a second name.

But when I asked her and her boyfriend if they could call me by this name and use male pronouns, they were kind of shocked. I don't know what they expected...
They said it would be weird if they would call me "Jonah" with male pronouns at home and in public my birthname with female pronouns.
[I said they could just neither use the male nor the female name in public - no direct adressing.]

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UPDATE:
My mum said if she had known the name (I chose) at my birth and I had been male (obviously), she would've named me like it, too.
That made so happy right now. (:
Nevertheless, there's the fact, they refused to use male pronouns... -.-

Music Monday #1

So, today's topic is not trans* related, but I will do it every Monday from today on. It's about one of my favourite things in the world: music.

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For me one of the best and rarest things is when you love every single song on an album.
And I am proud to say that there are three records where I love every song.

• Twin Atlantic - "Great Divide"
- Most favourite songs:

• Globalisolation
• Hold On
• Rest In Pieces
• I Am An Animal

- Favourite lyric:

• "yeah, it's a risk worth taking, to have a life worth living" (Hold On)

• Blitz Kids - "The Good Youth"

- Most favourite songs:

• Perfect
• Title Fight
• Sometimes
• On My Own

- Favourite lyric:

• "I really need a chance to be someone, someone I've never known" (On My Own)

• All Time Low - "Nothing Personal"

- Most favourite songs:

• Break Your Little Heart
• Hello, Brooklyn
• Therapy
• Damned I fI Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)

- Favourite lyric:

• "I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere" (Weightless)

Have the covers!

Male? Female?

Probably not everybody will agree with me, but I guess when you first discover being trans* you're not like "hey, I'm actually male/female". It definitely is a progress.

My therapist asked me, what I would answer if someone asked me (in an uninsulting way) about my gender.
And I really didn't know what to say. I know I don't feel female. But I also don't feel fully male (yet?).
So I just said: "Probably 'both'.", and I think that is accurate regarding my current situation - genderfluid?

But after that she asked me, how I would introduce myself - and that was even more difficult to answer.
No one calls me "Jo" yet, because nobody knows I'm trans*, but I'd like to change that when moving away for university. Still, it will probably feel weird being called a "different" name - although it would really be a relief.
I ended up saying "My ... name (birthname) ... ?", so it was rather a question. I really don't know, what I'm going to do about that.
Why am I so shy and unsure?

And, by the way, nobody knows about my chosen name "Jonah" yet - just about the nickname - because I'm kinda afraid they won't like it.
And yes, I know that shouldn't matter, because it's my life and my name - but it still does.

Overthinking

That was just a short description of myself at the moment.

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Since the whole trans* thing came up, I'm constantly thinking about it.
I think about me. Or why it has to be me. Why can't my gender just fit into my given sex?
And that's almost only at day time.
At night I start to accept myself. I think about the way I want to go. Whom I'm going to tell and how. How I could pass better. I practise my voice, binding, hair - everything I think I need to pass better.
And when I go to bed, it just continues. I had so many (almost) sleepless nights, because I couldn't fall asleep with all those thoughts on my mind.
Of course I had doubts, I was unsure, I started to hate myself again - until I finally fell asleep...

... just to wake up to the same thoughts as every day. Is it my fault? Is it even anybody's fault.
I don't want to go outside, because I always think I don't pass enough.
And in the evening when I'm alone, the good thoughts return.

But still, all in all, I'm constantly thinking. Always.

And I think that's just what figuring out being trans* comes up with.
It doesn't make *click* and you know your male (or female) after living as female (or male).
It's more like "*click* I'm trans*, I'm in the wrong body", but that's all. You just know you're not (fully) the gender you were asigned with at birth.
And I also think, thinking is important. And it prevents you from acting too fast. Maybe you don't want to have T in the long run (FTM) and you were just in a rush because you finally figured out what's wrong with you. Not all FTM's want to go on T, or don't want (a) certain surgery, or just certain (a) surgery.

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And the moral of my "story": Think. And don't rush.

Haircuts

Of course there are many (cis-)guys with long hair, but for me having short hair is letting me pass better as male. However, it shouldn't be too short - like the military cut (or whatever it's called), because women have a different hairline then men. So the totaly short cut could look more feminine than long hair. Although I have a rather "neutral" hairline I don't like my hair too short.
But today I was at the hairdresser's and my hair is now the shortest it has ever been (except for my birth obviously) and I really like the new cut.
Of course this cut doesn't let my face look less feminine, but still makes me feel more comfortable. I've always liked my hair better short, and I never had that long hair.

And I think I'm not the only trans* guy that finds a masculine haicut important. I don't want to say you have to have short hair to be more male, because you are as male as you feel, it's just that I like my hair as short as it is now.

I find it kinda interesting how little kids define gender by haircuts. My mum works as a kindergarten teacher and I have rather short hair for over a year now. And most of the kids thought (and still think) I was a guy - although I wore "girly" clothes.
Today was also the first day I was in kindergarten with my mum since I realised I was trans* and a kid again thought I was a boy and for the first I almost said: "Yes, I'm a guy." but unfortunately most of the other kids only know me as female as well as the other kindergarten teachers. But I still like being called a guy.

My Trans* Story

I guess it started in elementary school. I had more boys as friends - probably also because we were 5 girls to 11 boys in class and the girls were kind of annoying. And they only had interests like horses and just so many things I wasn't into.
I started to dress like a boy - actually I wore sports clothes, but still. Some times people really thought I was a boy and I liked that. My neighbour - who is also my best guy friend - always called me half-boy and I always pretended to be annoyed by that - but I wasn't.
However, when I went to the higher school I had more female friends (with similar interests) I thought it was just a phase. I didn't mind puberty - I was a girl and girls get boobs and their period, right?
About 2 1/2 years ago I started to hate my body. I got depressed and underweight (which I liked, because no period). I started self-harming and I never knew why I was that unhappy. I didn't know what made me sad and why I hated myself so much.
I had read about transsexuality before, but I never identified as trans* until this summer. It finally made *click* and everything seemed to make sense.

I first came out to my therapist. I wrote a letter, because I struggled (and still struggle) to openly talk about it. Next was my best female friend, then my mum (both letters again) and then my other therapist - that was the first time I said it directly, and that really cost me quite an effort.
All those reactions were positive. But I think my mum doesn't really understand the whole topic of being trans* and she asked me very weird questions - or at least not the questions I had expected.
But I bought a book about and for FTMs, which I gave to her to read.

I also would like to start a testosterone therapy, because my passing is terrible. I'm really short (1,56m/5'2'') and I have a really feminine face.

Introduction!

Hey!
My name is Jonah, but you can call me Joe.
I'm trans* (FTM), and that's basically what I want this blog to be about. And of course I want it to be about my other interests (- but I already have a band-blog).

I'm from Germany - Lower Saxony, but I'm going to move to Schleswig-Holstein in October, because the university I'm matriculated is there. My degree course is Medical Engineering Science (MES) and I'm really looking forward to it. First I wanted to study Medicine, but I got to the point where I thought (and still think) that it's too much resposibility. I always wanted to be a pathologist, because - well - the patients are already dead, so I can't be responsible for their death if I'd make a mistake. But I would still have to do the full Medicine degree course - including surgery etc.
[And I always wanted to be like Prof. Karl-Friedrich Boerne from "Tatort" :D.]
So this degree course now combines my interests and favourite subjects: maths, physics, medicine/medical engineering, computer science and I will be an engineer like my father when I have the degree.

Of course that are not my only interests (that would be nerdy...). I'm really into music. My favourite bands are blink-182, Twin Atlantic, All Time Low, Blitz Kids and so many more - basically pop punk, alternative rock, sometimes punk, but I kinda listen to all kinds of music - except for techno (DJ-stuff etc.).
I also play the guitar (acoustic and electric), but I'm not that good...
Reading! I love reading. I actually read almost every book that is well written - I like realistic stories more than fantasy. I like "The Lord Of The Rings" and "Harry Potter", but that's all. My favourite book is "Fast genial" by Benedict Wells.
I also like some TV shows and movies, but I don't watch TV often (Internet!). My favourites are Sherlock, Ein Fall für zwei, Tatort Münster, Suicide Room, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and some more I can't think of at the moment.
Some of my time I also spend on YouTube (I'm planning on doing a channel with a friend - so, not really trans-related). I watch "danisnotonfire", "uppercaseCHASE1", "TheRealAlexBertie", "kickthepj", "AmazingPhil", "charlieissocoollike" and some random videos.
I also made a channel with my neighbour, but it's kinda bad - although one videos has over 10k views and it's a really awkward video. That's so embarassing...

About me being trans* and what I want to post about:
I'm definitely FTM, but I don't identify completely as male (but more than female). I have just realised for myself that I'm trans* (about 1-2 months ago), so this blog will be a chaos of confusing thoughts about my identity. :D
I will talk about my transition (I'm pre-everything obviously), coming-out and about my life in general.
I'm currently out to my mum, my best friend and my therapist(s) and really have to change that!

So, this was a really long introduction, but anyway: Have fun on my blog! ;)