i miss you

This morning I found out that a really great person commited suicide three days ago. I had a very bad internet connection then. I didn't even really know him, I just wrote a sentence with him about twice.

But he was one of my favourite acconts (on Instagram) along with his best friend who I am so so sorry for right now. They lost their best friend and I'm here crying about someone I barely knew.

I think it is that bad for me because I always could identify with what he wrote. We were so much alike (he was also trans*) and I am afraid right now. I haven't thought about suicide in a long time. I don't think I will do something but I'm thinking too much right now. My mum just talked me out of my seemingly endless crying and I am afraid I might suddenly start again. I mustn't read those post of his friends on IG. I would just start crying again. But still I want to read them, because I miss him. Yes, I miss him, even thought I didn't personally know him.

I don't know why he did it, but fact is another trans* person committed suicide and I hate that. Dear governments all over the world: Please make it easier for us and easier for transphobes to get sued.

Dear person from IG (I won't write down his name),

I wish I had talked to you more often. You were such a great person and I am so sad right now. But you are in a better place now, I know that.

Maybe I will meet you there at some time.

I miss you so much. Goodbye. :(

meds & side effects (or why the hell am I sick again???)

I am taking three (four) different medicines every day: Cortisone, Azathioprine and Fluoxetine (and Ferro Sanol).

The first two ones suppress my immune system* whereas I get sick easily. Cortisone is kind of common and used for many different diseases. I had to take it a few years ago on a very high dose. The worst side effects were a bloated face and neck and a high blood sugar, but nothing too bad.

Azathioprine is almost like a little chemotherapy (high doses at least) and it's used for diseases like Crohn's disease or multiple sclerosis. I had/have almost no side effects when I took it about three years ago and now except for the low immune system. It feels like I am always having a cold. Not a bad one, just like a running nose. But I also get sick easily (or more easily than others) and I'm always ill when I'm visiting my family, which means that I want to drink a beer with my grandfather but alcohol and a sore throat are not the best combination (ignoring the fact that alcohol with all those meds isn't a good combination either).

And Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant. I don't think I need to say more about that.

I also have to take so many pills because I (well, my haematologist etc.) change the dose(s) very often. So I have like four different dosed packs of Cortisone and two of Azathioprine (which you mustn't split).

The worst part of this is the combination with testosteron. My haematologist gave the OK to get T but I'm still a bit concerned because my liver values are already elevated.

Well, I'll see. My psychiatrist is taking his time with a new indication anyway (the first one wasn't 'enough', so he has to write one more sentence where he explicitly recommends the HRT...).

* I have an autoimmune blood disease (ITP (idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura)), which means my immune systems works against itself.