the thing about my birthname

Today we had a family gathering and my aunt said my birthname at the end of it. She corrected herself, but I still feel really shitty after those moments - also because she knows I'm trans and my new name for over a year now.

So, the thing is not my birthname or someone saying it. The thing is someone saying my birthname when referring to me or speaking about me (after I told them I'm trans *).

I don't care about people knowing my birthname and I will probably tell every friend or genuinely interested person who asks. But never (NEVER (!)) call me by my birthname!!! It is not my name. Yes, it once was, but it isn't anymore.

I mean, you can say "[Birthname] was a great name" or whatever to me, but don't call me by my birthname!

I know from other trans people that they can't even stand hearing people say the name at all, because they find it utterly disgusting. I actually really, really love my birthname.

--

* Half of my grandparents still don't know, so they - of course - call me by my birthname.

bottom dysphoria and dysphoria in general.

First of all: I don't have bottom dysphoria even though it might seem like that from what I'm going to write now. I also don't feel that dysphoric in general. Of course I do sometimes, but I don't think that it's too often - mostly because I kinda want to be seen as male by society - eventhough I'm not (fully) male, but most people only now about the binary - and that works pretty well now, so gender dysphoria in society isn't really the thing anymore. Only body dysphoria because of those fucking boobs on my chest.

I still have to think about that time my ex-boyfriend told me I should accept my body as it is when I don't want to have surgery (bottom surgery in that case of course). In that moment I told him I only didn't like the outcome of that surgery and that there are many complications, but I actually knew that he wanted to do the do and I didn't and I knew he didn't (and probably still don't) understand asexuality - or especially my definition for me (he thought he could change that and stuff).

So, that actually wasn't what I want to talk about (I actually made a post about that situation), but about bottom dysphoria.

I actually often think about that topic and came to the conclusion that I want a penis. But like a real one. A functioning one. Not that weird thing that can't father children and has to be pumped. I also know that that sounds weird because I'm asexual and aromantic but I still want that.

I also don't want to have that big scar on my forearm after such a surgery. And of course I'm afraid of complications - especially with my blood disease.

But my actual problem is that I just want to be biologically male - like asigned male at birth. And that is like the only things that really is impossible and I hate it.

I mean, I just wish I had been born male and that I wasn't aro/ace - I even like my gender identity as non-binary. If I had been born male, I would've had other genes which would've made me taller and such things.

So, yeah, my problems isn't being trans, my problem is being born female. And I just wish I was someone else. I mean, I'd even rather be a cis girl (like happy with my body and how society saw me).

I just fucking hate my fucking life so fucking much.

statement about my identity i guess

Recently I've started questioning my gender again. Like again again. I'm just so sick and tired of always questioning my gender. Can't I just be fine with non-binary? Apprently not. I NEED to label myself and I hate it, because I'm not able to.

I've identified as greygender (masculine) for a while now and that still kinda fits, but not entirely. Greygender sounds too static for me. My gender is more fluid, but I'm not completely genderfluid. It's just fluid around that greygender point I identified with.

My whole identity feels like chaos.

Yesterday I was bored and didn't have motivation to do uni work so I read all those "weird" gender identities on nonbinary.org. And there really is a gender that's called "chaosgender". The definition is literally that one's gender "does lots of confusing things and doesn't makes sense to anyone" and I really like that.

I also think "jupitergender" kinda fits. The definition is "when your gender is so large and present, you're not quite sure what it is because it's too big to see clearly but it is definitely there". That kinda fits because I'm definitely not agender (I guess?).

Also, chaosgender and jupitergender are both xenogenders.

There are also neurogenders, which are basically gender identities that are based on someone's neurodiversity. And that basically means being autistic and/or mentally ill.

So, because I haven't really been mentally stable for over three years now and I always start to question my identity again when I feel really shitty, I think that my neurodiversity also affects my gender identity.

Looking through the list of neurogenders I found three definitions that apply very well to me:

• Nesciogender: "A gender one is not completely sure of due to one's neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be" (for me it would be nesciogreygender).

• Pendogender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek for something that fits even better. Gender perfectionism."

• Xumgender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt or identity issues, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible - to find "the gender" or "the one truth" - though one will never be found due to one's neurotype, because words will never be able to describe it, and/or it's own properties paradox itself. This frequent anxiety and doubt even cause this gender to feel imperfect to the individual."

[I feel like this is even an enhancement to pendogender...]

So, right now I feel like chaos-, nescio- and xumgender kinda fit best ... BUT I DON'T KNOW ?!

[Definitions from nonbinary.org]

diagnoses

So, I'm interested in everything that has something to do with mental health / mental disorders and I'm constantly in search of what is wrong with me, I guess.

Until now I have only been diagnosed with two (three) mental disorders, which are

• deprssive disorder

• anxiety disorder (at least I think I've been diagnosed, I mean, I basically get medication for it)

• transsexualism (it's not a mental disorder but my psychiatrist had to write something for me to get my HRT and that was - of course - an official diagnosis (also know as F 64.0

Still there are some other things that I'm actually sure I have it, but I haven't been diagnosed. Probably because I don't talk about it.

[Also, this is not me diagnosing myself, this is just me thinking I maybe have those disorders, too.]

I think I suffer from

• Major deprssive disorder

Like, I'm pretty sure that it's not only a 'depressive disorder'.

• Bipolar II disorder

I don't know what is meant with episode or how long that really lasts, but I definitely sometimes have hypomania.

• Borderline personality disorder

I don't know if I really have this because in articles it says five criteria have to be noticable and I'm not sure about a few of them.

• Maladaptive daydreaming disorder

I definitely have this. I am so sure about it. But when my therapist asked me about it (she watched a video where I talked about it) I didn't tell her exactly what it's like for me...

• Anorexia nervosa

I chose to have this as the last point because I will write a bit more about this:

My whole 'mental health history' started with it. I never admitted that I had an 'actual' eating disorder but I always knew I had. I had always felt fat - or at least fatter than my friends and I hated it. I wanted to loose weight. And I did. But not in a good way. I ate less and I weighted myself every day. I didn't exercise more but I didn't have to. My weight was dropping nonetheless. I always felt cold and I really became aware of the bad side while going on a run with my dad where I had to stop halfway through it because I almost fainted.

I started getting depressed and anxious. I crying everyday right before going to school and I got anxiety attacks before exams. When I finally agreed going to therapy (my mum was worried and didn't know what to do) the health insurance declined the application for therapy because I was underweighted. I weighted 39 kg (86 lbs) with a height of 156 cm (5'1''). They said I had to go to hospital but I didn't want to and my mum was on my side. She didn't want me to do something I didn't want.

My mum was so sure that I wan't anorexic but I knew I was. Still I never told her. She suffered from anorexia nervosa for most of her life and I don't really know why she didn't believe I could've had the same illness. Yes, I ate. But I ate very, very less. I sometimes skipped a meal, but not often. She said I couldn't be anorexic because I always ate ...

I had to go to my physician regularly to let them weight me. My mum didn't get it like that either.

Whenever therapists asked me about it I lied and told them I wasn't anorexic. I didn't want to admit it. I was so skinny, but I still felt fat.

The good side of this was that I got my mum to eat regularly with me again. After over 20 years.

I don't really know what made me start to recover but I did. I still often think that I'm fat and I still actually want to loose weight, but it's not that bad right now.

Still I know this won't ever leave me.

things i hate about myself

• my height
• that i look like 12
• that i was born female (or that my sex is female) - as in no penis
• that i'm aromantic
• my blood disease
• all those mental illnesses
• my natural hair colour
• my scars
• my skin
• that i'm always procrastinating
• my body (especially boobs, curves, thighs)
• that i can't fall asleep at night
• that i worry too much
• that i push everyone away
• that i can't talk about my feelings even when i'm feeling really shitty
• that i can't cry
• that i actually kinda don't want to get better

• basically just myself in general lol