"BIG" TRANS UPDATE i guess

I kinda feel like I only use this blog to complain about people and my life, but I actually wanted it to be a trans blog to document my transition. Of course things about sexuality and romantic orientation are a subject, too, but I also only complained about things regarding those topics. Whoops.

Soooo, here's my trans update, because 2015 has been kind of a great year when it comes to my transition!

First I chose some pictures of me from december/november of each year (starting with the last one where I had long hair) and put them together. I actually really like the second one (I didn't even know I was trans then).

I'm still a little confused about my gender identity, but I'm sure that I want (and need) to physically transition because I am definitely not a girl.

Right now I'd say that I'm greygender masculine/male but I also identify as trans, non-binary, genderfluid and sometimes 'only' agender or male (but not as bigender).

I officially changed my name and my civil status (gender) and I have almost all the papers changed except for my drivers license, but that will be finished after the holidays.

On June 29th I started my hormone replacement therapy with testosterone (which means I'm exactly 6 months and one day on T today) and it is so fucking great!

My voice changed quite quickly and is really deep already. I got more hair - legs, stomach, a bit arms - unfortunately no real beard, but that always takes time. My period stopped about 2.5 months after the first shot but I got it one more time about a months after that (but only a bit) and since then I didn't get it anymore.

I kinda think that my face changed a bit too. People always told me that it changed but I didn't see it and now I do see it, too. I also got told that my face got skinnier but I don't know.

Other effects of testosterone are that I'm always warm - well, almost, but definitely more than before - I am more hungry, I guess, not much, but a bit, and acne. It's not really acne, but I get more spots and those things.

I also pass really good now. As a little boy, but as male ...

I took a photo of my face (almost) every day and I made a video out of it. As well as a voice comparison:

Pictures: https://youtu.be/iVIAaB8eoug

Voice comparison: https://youtu.be/t3jIB3AIFYQ

I also finished my application for top surgery - or better for the health insurance to pay for it - and I really hope I can get the surgery in March.

I've been too some trans "events" too this year. In May I was on a trip with a friend that lives near me. We went to Passau because there's always a get-together for trans people over the weekend with Whitsun.

And I've been to two workshop weekends in Hamburg. One was organised by the queer unit of the university and one by a nationwide organisation. At the first one there were many workshops and at the second one was only one big workshop. It was a spoken word workshop. (I have the footages of my spoken texts and I'll maybe post them when I'm back in Lübeck because my internet is better there...)

And that was basically my trans review of 2015 and it was really cool. ☺

(The year itself wasn't that good. My mental health is shit, but that's a different story.)

i kinda need to vent rn sorry.

Last Friday I was at the youth group and we also had a trans group "meeting". Right before that I talked to a friend from the university in Hamburg about the idea of having an asexual group or something like that. The queer unit had that idea because at some events there were some girls that had met via asexuality groups.

The friend also asked me if there could be some connection between trans and asexuality. But not in an offending way. He was just curious of our opinions because of course most trans people feel uncomfortable in their body and maybe don't want to have sexual contacts with people because of that. But asexuality also isn't a choice.

Anyway, that wasn't what I actually want to vent about. After that I addressed that topic in the trans group (a trans friend of mine is also ace) and the woman who kind of leads the group has no idea of asexuality. So I talked about the spectrum. There was also a person who knew very much about that topic, too. But the woman didn't understand that there is also "only" asexuality. She always said that everyone must have some sexual attraction even if it's rarely (that would be greysexual). But that is not right. I am asexual. "Only" asexual. I feel no (!) sexual attraction to people. I never have and I probably never will.

I tried every possible explanation to make her realise but she didn't and that made me kind of angry. I kinda told her (and everyone there) that I'm asexual and she still "vented" about everyone having sexual attraction.

That was probably the first time I really felt discriminated and misunderstood. Discriminated is maybe a bit too hard but I don't know how to describe it in an other way. Until then there were always people who didn't understand the trans topic rightly but they never really misunderstood me. I mean, I never really told anyone that I'm ace because there are probably people who would misunderstand me, but I was at an LGBTQ+ youth group. "+". Like LGBTQIAP... All those identities and orientations.

That is actually a place where I should feel safe. And understood. But that really made me feel like shit and that wasn't funny.

And again people kept telling me how young I look and I hate that.

the thing about wanting to label yourself.

I already talked about being aro/ace and also that I'm not sure if I'm 'only' aro or some other form on the spectrum. And I still don't know and that makes me really frustrated right now.

I kinda thought I was frayromantic - which means that you loose interest in a romantic relationship as soon as you get emotionally close to that person - but I also don't really know if I have ever felt romantic attraction to someone. I mean, I've  had a girlfriend and a boyfriend and I liked that boy in 9th grade, but I've never really felt the way people describe romantic attraction or 'being in love'.

And then there's this guy right now who works at the local gay bar and kinda has a crush on me, I guess. But even if he doesn't some time someone probably will have a crush on me again and I don't really know how to handle that.

The problem isn't that I can't say that I don't like them back or just avoid them. The problem is when (that) I like that person, too. That will definitely not be in a sexual way, but I don't know if it'll be a romantic way, because I just don't know.

I would probably say that I'm either quoiromantic or even nebularomantic.

Quoiromantic means that you can't distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction and nebularomantic is actually the same but due to the status of being neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent means having a development and/or mental disorder. I definitely have mental disorders. I just don't know if they affect my attraction. And I can't compare what I feel now to what I felt when I was in 9th grade. I mean, that was almost five years ago. I wasn't mentally ill back then, but I also wasn't old enough to really think about my attraction and the feeling concerning that.

So, from now on I will say that I'm quoiromantic.