Overthinking

That was just a short description of myself at the moment.

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Since the whole trans* thing came up, I'm constantly thinking about it.
I think about me. Or why it has to be me. Why can't my gender just fit into my given sex?
And that's almost only at day time.
At night I start to accept myself. I think about the way I want to go. Whom I'm going to tell and how. How I could pass better. I practise my voice, binding, hair - everything I think I need to pass better.
And when I go to bed, it just continues. I had so many (almost) sleepless nights, because I couldn't fall asleep with all those thoughts on my mind.
Of course I had doubts, I was unsure, I started to hate myself again - until I finally fell asleep...

... just to wake up to the same thoughts as every day. Is it my fault? Is it even anybody's fault.
I don't want to go outside, because I always think I don't pass enough.
And in the evening when I'm alone, the good thoughts return.

But still, all in all, I'm constantly thinking. Always.

And I think that's just what figuring out being trans* comes up with.
It doesn't make *click* and you know your male (or female) after living as female (or male).
It's more like "*click* I'm trans*, I'm in the wrong body", but that's all. You just know you're not (fully) the gender you were asigned with at birth.
And I also think, thinking is important. And it prevents you from acting too fast. Maybe you don't want to have T in the long run (FTM) and you were just in a rush because you finally figured out what's wrong with you. Not all FTM's want to go on T, or don't want (a) certain surgery, or just certain (a) surgery.

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And the moral of my "story": Think. And don't rush.