bottom dysphoria and dysphoria in general.

First of all: I don't have bottom dysphoria even though it might seem like that from what I'm going to write now. I also don't feel that dysphoric in general. Of course I do sometimes, but I don't think that it's too often - mostly because I kinda want to be seen as male by society - eventhough I'm not (fully) male, but most people only now about the binary - and that works pretty well now, so gender dysphoria in society isn't really the thing anymore. Only body dysphoria because of those fucking boobs on my chest.

I still have to think about that time my ex-boyfriend told me I should accept my body as it is when I don't want to have surgery (bottom surgery in that case of course). In that moment I told him I only didn't like the outcome of that surgery and that there are many complications, but I actually knew that he wanted to do the do and I didn't and I knew he didn't (and probably still don't) understand asexuality - or especially my definition for me (he thought he could change that and stuff).

So, that actually wasn't what I want to talk about (I actually made a post about that situation), but about bottom dysphoria.

I actually often think about that topic and came to the conclusion that I want a penis. But like a real one. A functioning one. Not that weird thing that can't father children and has to be pumped. I also know that that sounds weird because I'm asexual and aromantic but I still want that.

I also don't want to have that big scar on my forearm after such a surgery. And of course I'm afraid of complications - especially with my blood disease.

But my actual problem is that I just want to be biologically male - like asigned male at birth. And that is like the only things that really is impossible and I hate it.

I mean, I just wish I had been born male and that I wasn't aro/ace - I even like my gender identity as non-binary. If I had been born male, I would've had other genes which would've made me taller and such things.

So, yeah, my problems isn't being trans, my problem is being born female. And I just wish I was someone else. I mean, I'd even rather be a cis girl (like happy with my body and how society saw me).

I just fucking hate my fucking life so fucking much.