statement about my identity i guess

Recently I've started questioning my gender again. Like again again. I'm just so sick and tired of always questioning my gender. Can't I just be fine with non-binary? Apprently not. I NEED to label myself and I hate it, because I'm not able to.

I've identified as greygender (masculine) for a while now and that still kinda fits, but not entirely. Greygender sounds too static for me. My gender is more fluid, but I'm not completely genderfluid. It's just fluid around that greygender point I identified with.

My whole identity feels like chaos.

Yesterday I was bored and didn't have motivation to do uni work so I read all those "weird" gender identities on nonbinary.org. And there really is a gender that's called "chaosgender". The definition is literally that one's gender "does lots of confusing things and doesn't makes sense to anyone" and I really like that.

I also think "jupitergender" kinda fits. The definition is "when your gender is so large and present, you're not quite sure what it is because it's too big to see clearly but it is definitely there". That kinda fits because I'm definitely not agender (I guess?).

Also, chaosgender and jupitergender are both xenogenders.

There are also neurogenders, which are basically gender identities that are based on someone's neurodiversity. And that basically means being autistic and/or mentally ill.

So, because I haven't really been mentally stable for over three years now and I always start to question my identity again when I feel really shitty, I think that my neurodiversity also affects my gender identity.

Looking through the list of neurogenders I found three definitions that apply very well to me:

• Nesciogender: "A gender one is not completely sure of due to one's neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be" (for me it would be nesciogreygender).

• Pendogender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek for something that fits even better. Gender perfectionism."

• Xumgender: "It is defined as never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt or identity issues, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible - to find "the gender" or "the one truth" - though one will never be found due to one's neurotype, because words will never be able to describe it, and/or it's own properties paradox itself. This frequent anxiety and doubt even cause this gender to feel imperfect to the individual."

[I feel like this is even an enhancement to pendogender...]

So, right now I feel like chaos-, nescio- and xumgender kinda fit best ... BUT I DON'T KNOW ?!

[Definitions from nonbinary.org]